Mask

I think the worst thing I do to people is to be this person who is always cool, calm, and collected. I hate the fact that I can stare at one of my friends faces and just lie to them without care. I tend to come off as this man with solutions to everyones problems. If you have a relationship problem, ask me and I'll fix it. If you have a homework question, ask me and I'll answer it. You just need advice, ask me and I'll tell you. While I'm wearing this mask, I laugh. I laugh at problems as if they're nothing. I laugh when not appropriate so as to soothe the situation so nothing big while corrode from the situation. I laugh and pretend everything is ok. But nothing is ever ok.
In reality, I'm never laughing. I'm always thinking of the most lugubrious thoughts while pretending they don't bother me. I have so many grievances and so little time to deal with them, I'm amazed I haven't blown my face off by now. And nobody can tell. Nobody can really tell how much I ache inside. How every giggle feels like daggers in my stomach because they're not real. I feel bad because I feel as though I'm handing fools gold out to all of my friends. Then I go home, take off my mask, and completely shut down.
I'm not a free spirit.
I'm not the "funny" guy.
I'm just the quiet guy trying to be someone he's not because he doesn't want to raise his voice any further about his woes.

I want to go back. I want to go back to a time where I didn't need a mask. Where I could've been happy and truly enjoyed life without having to worry about a "landing". When the smile on my face wasn't forged and lies didn't continually spew from my lips. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me.

I just want to go back to being happy.