Sleep Apnea IV: The Finale (Parts 10, 11, & 12)

Uxoricide
(Sleep Apnea X)

Have you fastened the gun
Between your fragile fist?
Come time for the pull
Are you expecting a mist

Can you see these eyes
Can you see how hard I try to carve you out
With the cold, dead nails nails you painted for me

Do you have an answer
Do you have a prayer?
…Just what I thought.
Now you’ll never see me again.

Look at how I fought for this world without your face
I enjoyed the taste of this utopia
Where your birth had never shined

Chew upon the barrel, drink up all the fire
I’ll watch you cry
And make sure you never dream again

We had nothing and you wanted it all
I’ll say it again…I never loved you.
Pull the curtains down on your show
So that every noght and every morn, I’ll wake to an emptiness
Six feet above you

This isn’t happening, this isn’t real…go away
I’ll turn this barrel to make this ghost fade
As the speeding death enters your head, I freeze
And watch the red water drown your soul away…what have I done?

The Answer
(Sleep Apnea XI)

I have woken from this solitary dream
Dripping with pain
I was waiting for so long
For you to say…

But now I’m a mess
You grave carved in my name
Is this a jest
Please tell me it’s a sick game

It should be comforting to know
You’ll hibernate no more
When will I die to meet you on that final cloud
If I even make it there, won’t you kick me off nimbus
Wasn’t it you trying to destroy my mind

Psyche is bruised now that you’re nowhere in sight
My eyes have run dry
The water has flowed to its end
Will this barrel sting as bad, as the scorn you left with me
Isn’t that you mocking me?

This is the answer
So will you please let me die
On the grounds that you’ll live on

These are the last words
That will slip through my tongue
“I will always love you”

No matter how mad I went
From this bitter mess you made
My only eulogy
Is this effigy of me

You memory knows no man by my name

I was waiting for so long
For you to say
“I love you”

Now this bullet will erase this world from my mind
Now this bullet will erase my face from your world

Breath With A Missing Beat
(Sleep Apnea XII: The Finale)

Just so you’ll know…it was all a dream…
…all a dream….
…all a dream.

I am the one whom he cried for during his slumber
What I gave him for his plea…nothing…
…nothing.

A cry for forgiveness is all that he ask
What I gave him for his plea…nothing…
….nothing.

And now his eyes are forever closed, pupils never to be remembered….
What has he done for this…nothing…
….nothing.

It is in his dream where he’ll be bottled inside a flask
What has he done for this….nothing…
….nothing.

If the lions would feast on what they’ve been thrown
You must make the saliva fall
If the liars can speak down from the heavens
You must have a chance to make the next cloud

Breathe one more time, I know you can make it
Even with the holes in your arms for you life you had traded

I better feel a pulse
When my fingerprints wrap around your cables
Don’t leave me here alone
To turn off the lights

I must cry:
“Caretaker, heal this man
Fill him with cement and make him whole again
Save him from a future so dark
Border up the wounds where he made his mark”

He cries:
“you see him in a trance so fetal
don’t you see the trend
It was you who drove the needle
You drove him to his end”

Breathe one more time, I know you can make it
Even with the holes in your arms for your arms you had traded

I better feel a pulse
When my fingerprints wrap around you cables
Don’t leave me here alone
To turn off the lights

In your dreams, I hope solace swallows your soul
So you can fall into place without stall
If you see an end so peaceful
I will not cry at all

Sleep Apnea III (Parts 7, 8, & 9)

Sanctuary
(Sleep Apnea VII)

A reality I cannot stand
This poison manifests as a healed man
I need an I.V. from your eyes
To circulate a heaven through my veins

I’ve seen all of the other paths
Now my womb will need a graft
To hide from a vermin that spins
And a needle I wish to loathe

I don’t want to see, I don’t want to breathe
I just want to live in a grave of sties

These days I pet lepers and hold up my heart on strings
I found a hook in my mouth that diminished a company of none
If you stay
Find me a way to sanctuary

These machines know no soul, they cannot hinder apples
If you wish to find paradise again
I must press these wings against your lips
And count to ten

All the casualties inside your head
Of all the pasts that time has disowned
Black water of fear he tread
All over your purest spaces

Let this caretaker cleanse your home
Of broken clans and mirrors with
The gift I give to you
I’ll destroy one million faces

Save me caretaker
Hide my lungs
Hide my face
From his judging eyes

May the feathers be my savior
As you glue them to my mouth
Tell him of foul play abroad
Tell him of nothing at all

If he finds me inside this grave
Show him elsewhere from my odyseey
The way to my soul
He doesn’t have to know

He’ll never know
He’ll never know…
…he’ll never know

House of Nine
(Sleep Apnea VIII)

Between the blackened nails
Lay the fingerprints I once held
No curse of pain or wail
A life of torture and sanity begin to weld

She laid softly upon the sheets of never
Her breath sealed within
A release from endeavor
A release from the sight of cringe

A house so very cold without her warmth
A heart without the vessels
A mind without a Warf
A soul I have to wrestle

No longer a man
No need for a soul
My saviors have ran
Caretaker’s heart turned to coal

The world will have my life ensnared
This carcass will be covered in moss
Because a woman’s heart that didn’t care
And this duplicity of a cross

Is this a test
Is this reality
When can I rest
To rescue my mortality

If never is the answer, then I acquiesce
To a demonized world molded in my face
I’ll take this body out of your stress
And give this bullet a taste

Beneath this blackened heart
Within this metal chamber
If I slumber before my skull inhales a dart
Let no one find the remainder

The Question
(Sleep Apnea IX)

Is this a place where the enigmatic are fractured
Where all my promises had escaped from your eyes
Is this where the sum of masses
Come crushing down from above

This is the place where the core of your dreams
Start coming apart at the seams
This is the hole I dug from the owl
Protected from your venomous cough

You must have known you’ve had this coming for years
From all of the fears you drowned in fire
You’ll have to gouge in a little while
Because all of your faith has already dried

And from the devils trough you use your arms as teeth
To the the neck of the halo that was once your mentor
And if you find the friends that left you in this coma
You will partake in a feast of flames induced assuaged redemption

Gun in hand, are you a man
Falling through your skin again
Your figure, a sight I’ll never see again
Burying the heart of this supposed man

Did you bring me here?
To escape the remains of my rotting tears
Why did you kill me off
Seeking the demons that make me feel
Did you bring me here?

Intermission (Sponsored By...)

I'm not the only person in the world with problems. I am aware of this and I acknowledge it. I'm also not the only creative person in South Gate (although I hardly consider anything I do creative). Much like this guy I knows blog, Erick, he also has a lot to say that he wouldn't let slip out of his own mouth in public. Although he doesn't post as MUCH as I do, he obviously rely's more on Quality than anything else.

Get inside his head as well here: radthepenguin.blogspot.com

Not to mention his "Someday to be realized" story...poem....book....story?....thing....to be viewed here: anamsjourneys.blogspot.com

Check them both out (the latter which shouldn't be checked out RIGHT away but in the coming weeks).

He gave me the idea for the blog. So nows your chance to see a similar mind whose live journals preceded mine.

This doesn't mean completely abandon mine. Keep "tuning in" to see where my twisted mind takes this blog.

Stay put for "Sleep Apnea III" coming after I take a nap.

Jub Jub =}

Sleep Apnea II (Parts 4, 5, & 6)

Odyssey
(Sleep Apnea IV)

The sun shines so bright
As the world turns to the beat
Of the drums the lilies play
Till the end of the day

The wind it blows to the tune of my heart
As it glows in the light of the moon as it kisses the sky goodnight
And the animals they dance
As I dwell in this trance

So hear me…
What is this world I stand in as I speak?
I am never going away from here

You’ll be digging me out before I ever go home

The unicorn play, the leprechaun stay
Currency counted in rainbows
The dark thrown against the wall
As I tower it, ten feet tall

So hear me….
I don’t care what this world I stand
You’ll be digging me out before I ever go home

Then the dusk sets in…

Feticide
(Sleep Apnea V)

Don’t go quite yet my dear,
just because you see my head
Doesn’t mean you’re not dead,
let your eyes stay swelled in fear

Does my face block you from the sun,
is it that hard to see
The rainbows instead of me,
why have you started to run

Is it my black tar beauty scars,
is it the clock that refuses to go
Is it the stare that always mar,
any hope to see the lover you knew

Is it the barren feeling in your heart,
That mimics the light in your head
That forces you to cringe at my sight,
would you prefer to lie dead

Is it the tears that I shed for you as you’re laying away from me
Don’t try to escape through this detour of living
Forever in my arms you will remain
Forever will you cry now that the sun has gone down

I was there when your mind miscarried,
when my needles drained your life away
I’ll be there when you soul is buried,
watching over dirt in case it runs away

Forever in this jar I will keep you,
I’ll take care of your cage with my watchful eye
Your mind miscarries the soul it buries,
you’ll be in my being until the end of time


A Silent Grievance Stirs
(Sleep Apnea VI)

Weren’t these your words pressing against my skin
Is he gone?
…he must be gone
I haven’t seen this respirator attached to my lungs before
Is it mine?
It must be mine…
And who is this watchful eye standing above me
Is he God?
He must be God…

Stumbled from my own paradise
Made to my craft
Into a world that doesn’t fit
Am I alive?

What tracks have I left for him
Must he follow my grave
Will these lungs never breathe alone again?

I heard a silent grievance stir across the floor
Is it her?
It must be her…

Sleep Apnea I (Parts 1, 2, & 3)

(once again...I'll post translations at the end of the week. 'Till then, what do you think is happening?)

Quixotic Prayer
(Sleep Apnea I)

I’ll be here praying
To a deaf ear that forms way up in the sky
For your consciousness to come again

Oh, my hands will shake
And my teeth will break
And your sun will set
Much too soon for my taste
All because I lost sight of your white eyes

I’ll be waiting
To the side of this bed that you now call home
Tears forever drowning my sockets until you wake

You lie so very still
In this be you fill
And the life you hold
Can wake at will
Just as long as you pry open the lids you wish to hide

What have you done…
What have you done…
To deserve this slumber

Will you never know that my love stems
As yours dies?

Caretaker
(Sleep Apnea II)

I found out yesterday
That you know the way
To keep this love awake
And help this mind stay sane

You tended to her side
While I was away
You bathed her in health
In hope for recovery

Tell me, caretaker,
Will you help her stay awake

Tell me, caretaker,
Will you help her stay with me

Just keep praying to that noose you clutch
Even if it doesn’t help you very much
Faith seems to be the one thing keeping you stuck
To the seat next to beauty’s touch

I tended to her side
While you were away
I’ll make sure she saves a pulse
Just for you to see one more time

Caretaker stay with me
Caretaker stay with her

Scarlet Needle
(Sleep Apnea III)

You must have caught yourself a broken tooth
Do you need a lie to bite into
Because I’ve got something waiting true

How many times have I had to forge this smile
When you persist to live a life so vile
Is it simply a phase of my denial

My heart, you stained it now
As I pet these owls
Does the needles howl
As you feed this fowl

“since when has pleasure been such a crime?”…
Since the day the heart we molded died
And you did nothing to save it’s life

If I can have any space in your mind
Then I must taste the plunge you scrawled in time
Then some day I’ll dream with you

Bring me the chains
That you locked yourself
To the veins
That are your new hell
Is this a home for you?

Now im drinking your pain
Dripped from your lies the world it fades
Erased from my a=eyes
Was this the sleep you craved?

I’m waiting now
And I’m not so proud
As I’m lying now
I will wait you out

Sleep Apnea: An Introduction (Updated 2/25/08)

By definition, sleep apnea is a sleep disorder characterized by pauses in breathing during sleep. These episodes, called apneas (literally, "without breath"), each last long enough so one or more breaths are missed, and occur repeatedly throughout sleep.
Death can occur from sleep apnea most notably through heart problems derived from obesity or drug use. The victim will simply fall asleep and stop breathing within their dream cycle.

Some would say this is the most peaceful way to die: Nice and comfortable in your bed. You won't even know you had died. You'll pass on, undisturbed, into the afterlife without feeling the physical or emotional pain of death. It's the easy way out.

Unfortunately we can't all have this privilege of simply leaving this planet without a sound. Most of us will pass on with a bit more audibility. Tragic deaths seem to be the pattern of human life. Most of us are shot, die in car crashes, or die from some form of un-treatable disease. Our final thoughts are always that of wanting a sweet release of death rather than anything else. The only thing in our minds is to end the pain of your own suffering. You don't even think about anyone else in your final hours. Everyone wants to die in their sleep. It's the only way you can think unselfish thoughts before death. No one sees it coming, and no one is to blame. No pain is experienced. Not a single scream released.

What we fail to realize is that there's a huge difference in what we want in life and what we actually get...and there's nothing we can do about it.

The following story is about a drug addict looking over his comatose wife after she tries to live her husbands lifestyle in hopes to become more accepted by him. Over the course of the story we learn their true feelings toward each other that they've never truly been able to share.The story is based around the concept of what you want and what you can't have. The man wants things to be right again, and the wife wants to stop loving her husband. They realize they can't have their respective wishes.
We always want what we can't have...and once we realize what we CAN have, that disappears as well.

Starting Monday, I'll post 3 sections a day until it is complete. To make it easier to understand, I'll also post translations and explanations at the end of the week. I'm going to wait a week because, that way, people can get their own idea of what's going on in the story so that they themselves can have their own, unique interpretation. The titles (once again, to wet appetites) are as follows:

-"Quixotic Prayer"
-"Caretaker"
-"Scarlett Needle"
-"Odyssey"
-"Feticide"
-"A Silent Grievance Stirs"
-"Sanctuary"
-"House Of Nine"
-"The Question"
-"Uxoricide"
-"The Answer"
-"The Breath With The Missing Beat"

Have a good weekend, and I hope you enjoy it.

My Corner

In a perfect world, nothing would go wrong.
In a perfect world, fears that you once conquered stay conquered.
In a perfect world you wouldn't have to stress about tests coming up or how many units you need for a certain quarter or semester.
In a perfect world all of your friends would get along with each other the way you always imagined.
In a perfect world you would have the courage to do or say whatever you wanted without fear of consequence.
In a perfect world money doesn't matter and love lasts.
In a perfect world not a single voice would be raised in anger but merely to sing a song straight from the soul.
In a perfect world hearts stay in tact and minds stay in one piece.
In a perfect world a person can walk down the street of any neighborhood without having to worry about a crime being committed to them.
In a perfect world we wouldn't need rules because there would be no reason for them.
In a perfect world, here would be no need for scheduling or plans because planning ahead only leads to more stress.
In a perfect world there would be no violence. There would be no drugs or alcohol abused.
In a perfect world there would be no war and no need for a leader.
In a perfect world, there will be no need for second chances.
In a perfect world we would all be able to truly think for ourselves without influence of others. In a perfect we'll have no reason to hide in a corner away from the world.

It's just too bad for me that the only way for me to live in a perfect world is to close my eyes and hide in my corner. Then again, that may be the only way any us can truly get the life we crave. All we need to do is take a few seconds in life to hide in our corner, close our eyes, and live in our perfect world for just a little bit. We don't even have to open our eyes if we don't want to...because in a perfect world they'll already be open...

...and there'll be no need to dream about a perfect world.

Adam's Story

Have you ever wondered what life would be like if Adam had never picked that apple? Would he and Eve truly have remained living a life of paradise and riches or would they just have inevitably ended up in the same place after some period of time?
There are opportunities in life that are given to us and, for the most part, they come and they go. Once in a while, there is that one opportunity in life that you believe to be "THE moment". It is "THE moment" that will determine the rest of your life after that point. Not only that, no matter what the decision, you always tend to dwell on this one thing. This one event that you believe decided the path you must now walk for the rest of time. Every so often you'll think back to this day and relive it in your mind and start thinking about every possible outcome that may have occurred from your actions differing in anyway. From then on, all you can really think about are the "What-if's" and "Coulda been's" of your life. You'll end up spending all of your time thinking about what could have been rather than what life is like now.
That's really the whole point of making choices: to stick with one outcome and not have to worry about the others.
As humans we forget that life is all about living. We forget how to live because we're human. It's just our nature to get so caught up in what we truly want we tend to forget what we have and neglect to celebrate it. Sure, we may regret the decision later in life, but that doesn't mean we have to put life on hold until we get that chance again.
We can't.
Adam was human. I'm sure he regretted his decision to pick the apple and probably regretted it until the day of his death. Though I'm also sure that he tried his best to make amends with life so he could at least live life as normally as he possibly could. He may not have had paradise anymore, but he still had life.
We can't turn back time.

We just have to learn to make due with the present.

The Designated Friends

Know who your friends are.
Anyone who knows me knows I'm not a drinker. I don't drink, I don't like to drink, I don't like people who drink. (Save a few people who I forgive). I'll admit that in my lifetime I've had a few sips here and there, but I regret every ounce that's slipped through my lips. The only people I hate more than people who drink, are the people I know personally who force it on me and glorify the act. They all seem to be people who I like talking too, btu I've never been VERY close to. They're always the one's saying "You gotta do it!" or "come on, what are you afraid of". I just don't do it.
I find it kind of funny that most of my closest friends are the ones who are like me on this. They don't drink nor see the glory in drinking. They don't care if I don't share the same views or interests. They don't care who I talk to or converse with even if they don't like them. They don't make me feel rotten for wanting to be sober. At the top of my head, I can only think of about five people I know who treat me like royalty the same way I treat them. And, unfortunately, I can think of a good twenty who don't return the favor as well.
That's all you really need in life though. Just those few GREAT friends that love you for who you are among the phonies in your clique that try to change you so that you can fit them better. So that you can become a carbon copy of everyone they like opposed to who you are.
All you need are those few people you can always rely on .Those few that you can truly call "friends". Those few people whose personalities you wouldn't change for the world.

It's kind of funny how my few great friends are all doomed to be the designated driver's amongst their cliques...and they couldn't care less.

George

Just like ol' Mr. Washington back in his heyday, I can't tell a lie. At least not to my friends and loyal viewers. I've been dropping little hints via myspace and casual conversation that the depressing nature of myself and my blogs have subsided. I've been leaving comments and yahoo messages with statements like "I've crawled out of my funk" or "I don't hate the world anymore"....both lies. All lies.
As of late I've noticed that people have been worrying about my well being. They've been trying to pry me out of this funk I've apparently dug myself in by offering "help" or trying to lift my spirits by hanging out with me or having me come over. I've even seen other blogs spotlighting my situation in a very subtle, fruit oriented way.
The truth is I can't outright say exactly what is wrong with me because I honestly don't understand it completely myself. I haven't fully grasped the situation or even if there is a situation. Hence the reason or the lie.
I don't want people wasting their time trying to figure something out when they don't even know the question.
Sure, I'm not fine. Sure, I'm not "all there". And sure, I'm not happy nor have I been truly happy for a long time. However, that is my own problem to face. I am well aware that there are those of you who are very vocal about wanting to help because of what I may have done for you in the past. But believe me, and I don't mean this in any derogatory way or in a rude sense or anything, If I need your help, I will not hesitate to ask. For now, however, I must conquer these invisible demons alone. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate the concern, but please just don't worry about me. I'll be fine.
When I do get better, believe you me, you will all be the first to know.
The lies will stop.

Just for now...let me keep my mask on and dance some more...just for now.

Another Disclaimer of Sorts

So I'm cheating a little bit. In a sense, you can say it was an incredibly fast week. I just have things that I have to say and things that must go out to the negative 2 viewers I have for this blog...I may be exaggerating, but still (the blog doesn't see too many viewers...tee hee). Over the weekend I've been planning out these posts and stories that I feel may very well...uh...."cure" me if you will.

As of 7:50 pm this evening I have officially completed the long awaited "Sleep Apnea" epic poem I have been ranting and raving about. I should be posting that in groups of three starting Friday-ish. (Unlike "Deciduous Wing" where I was able to post them in one day, this one's a bit longer).
After that, I'll be posting what I'd like to call the "Red Notebook" saga. This is going to be an account of a tenth grader and his journal entries depicting exactly what he was going through during that period and how it resulted in what he became several years later. Before and after this I will be posting a very "special" two parter post. The first part will be one of the most vicious and hard hitting rants I've ever written.
The second part will be completely different.

Until Friday, I'll be posting four entries I wrote today in between Conan.
Just to wet some of your appetites, (so you can at least guess what they're about)
I've dubbed them with the following titles:
-"George"
-"The Designated Friends"
-"Adam's Story"
-"My Corner"

I only hope that by the time I finish posting everything, I can go ahead and live without having to hold any walls up or keep anything to myself anymore.

So I can finally take off my mask and live.

Disclaimer of sorts

I've been getting this a lot as of yesterday so let me just clear some things up:

I don't know a Wilfred and I don't know a Lupe...they're just names I made up. I don't have a brother and "loved one" is not a family member. And I am NOT, I repeat, NOT suicidal. I've just had a bad week.

I'll also be taking a week off...just because. I don't know what I'll return with, but you should expect something big. For now, you can have "Lupe" and "Wilfred" to keep you company.

That is all.

Jub Jub =}

Mask

I think the worst thing I do to people is to be this person who is always cool, calm, and collected. I hate the fact that I can stare at one of my friends faces and just lie to them without care. I tend to come off as this man with solutions to everyones problems. If you have a relationship problem, ask me and I'll fix it. If you have a homework question, ask me and I'll answer it. You just need advice, ask me and I'll tell you. While I'm wearing this mask, I laugh. I laugh at problems as if they're nothing. I laugh when not appropriate so as to soothe the situation so nothing big while corrode from the situation. I laugh and pretend everything is ok. But nothing is ever ok.
In reality, I'm never laughing. I'm always thinking of the most lugubrious thoughts while pretending they don't bother me. I have so many grievances and so little time to deal with them, I'm amazed I haven't blown my face off by now. And nobody can tell. Nobody can really tell how much I ache inside. How every giggle feels like daggers in my stomach because they're not real. I feel bad because I feel as though I'm handing fools gold out to all of my friends. Then I go home, take off my mask, and completely shut down.
I'm not a free spirit.
I'm not the "funny" guy.
I'm just the quiet guy trying to be someone he's not because he doesn't want to raise his voice any further about his woes.

I want to go back. I want to go back to a time where I didn't need a mask. Where I could've been happy and truly enjoyed life without having to worry about a "landing". When the smile on my face wasn't forged and lies didn't continually spew from my lips. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me.

I just want to go back to being happy.

The Second Tuesday of February (Rant #5)

So after waking up late after trying to go to bed for 3 hours the previous night, I'm forced to rush out of my house because I want to be able to eat at the cafeteria before Anthropology. In the rush, I managed to forget my spanish folder which contains everything I've done for the class and more. I don't realize this until Anthropology begins. When I get to the cafeteria, I find myself with absolutely no time to get anything to eat, so now I must go the entire class without food. After class, I had to forfeit my T-TH ritual of "doing whatever to kill time" with my friend because I have to go home and retrieve my folder. On the way home, I run a red light. Luckily no cops were around to catch me. Although I tried to put the car in reverse, I just keep going in my once again "Fuck it" attitude. I go home, I get my folder, I drive down firestone and end up in th wrong lane. I take advantage of this and decided to eat at the Burger King while I'm accidentally at El Paseo. Afterwords, as I'm trying to find my way out of there when I'm stopped by two unbelievably apathetic Sam's Club employees who are taking their SWEET ASS TIME moving a gang of shopping carts impeding my path. After about 5 or so minutes of cursing, I find my self in a traffic jam on Firestone again. I had originally planned to be in the library studying for my Astronomy class and Math class. Because of all the stops, this is now impossible to accomplish before Spanish class. Right before it is my turn ot enter the freeway, some bitch honks at me (once again, I'm in th wrong lane and am trying to enter the right one SAFELY) causes me to change lanes abruptly, almost causing me to T-bone some poor old lady.

So I make it to school and, lo and behold, there's no parking. The time is 1:02 p.m. and I'm looking around thinking I'll find somewhere to park. Just a slew of people cutting me off, cursing me out, stealing my spaces, and me doing the same only unsuccessfully. Forty minutes later...yes....FORTY MINUTES OF DRIVING AROUND AIMLESSLY IN A PARKING LOT....I give up and decide to go to the stadium to park. Now that I only have 10 minutes to get to class, I damn near run to class, hitting every red light while I'm at crosswalks. Knowing that this particular day, the teacher had threatened to lock the doors, I had to hurry. I made it with a few seconds to spare. However, during the different practices I had continually fucked up and spaced out and made a compete ass out of myself the entire day I was still flustered from the day that had been passing. After I get a "C" on the test we took a week ago, I go home.

So I hit rush hour on the freeway, cut off several times, honked at several times, and was refused being let into a lane. By the time I get home I realize that not only had the drive been bad, I had left the emergency brakes on the entire time. I get my things, go inside my house, and set up my laptop to check my mail to see how many respones I may have gotten from anything (Yahoo, myspace, regular mail, the works.) And I get nothing from no one. (This being especially flustering because I have plans for Wednesday that have yet to be confirmed among other things.) This blog seems to be refusing to save, I still have homework to catch up on, and from the looks of things I will get even less sleep and be mal-prepared for tomorrows Astronomy test.
Those were just the superficial bad things that had occurred today. There are deeper problems, but that needs to be saved for a later blog.
I've vented yet nothing seems to be better or even funny to me yet.
I know everyone has their bad days, but this makes number 18 our of the past 16 days.
I don't know how much more I can take.

I fucking hate my life.

Narcoleptic Insomniac

It seems whenever I wake up in the morning, I don't really care about anything. I don't care about school, I don't care about friends, I don't care about anything. It seems as though whenever I'm asleep, everything seems to be in their right place. I'm in my own world and don't care about anything else that's not in it. My own world is perfect. When I wake up, it's all basically taken away from me. Then reality kicks in again. And it upsets me to the point where I try to block it out for as long as I can before I completely wake up and realize I can't change any of my problems.

Another problem I have with slumber are naps. Due to the lack of sleep I tend to get while in college, I'll take a nap or two to try and make up for the loss of slumber. It's just that, whenever I do, I can't help but feel a sense of mal-accomplishment when I wake up. As though by taking a nap I've just thrown away a portion of my day. Today I took a nap and work up with the worst feeling of failure for no reason. My naps are growing increasingly longer, and my accomplishments are decreasing at an alarming rate. My relationships with different people are diminishing, my school work suffering an atrophy of quality, and everything else in life is just plain bleak. After today I've come to realize: Sleep is just a form of escaping the mundane life I seem to have created for my self.

There's nothing worth staying awake for anymore.

Circles

Do you ever feel as though you've been walking around in circles?
That no matter what you do, or how hard you try to accomplish something, nothing ever seems to happen.
Nothing ever changes.
Everything just tends to repeat itself with absolutely no signs of change. Everything just tends to repeat itself with absolutely no signs of change. You try to make things better, but you end up continuing on in that same rut, only at a slightly faster pace. Sooner or later it's a few years later and you realize that nothing is ever going to change. Sooner or later you just stop walking around in that circle and you'll just say "fuck it". You walk away from your circle, but not your problems. You're just walking away from the solutions that the circle entails. You don't realize that you are getting there....just very slowly. Even then, you only walk that circle because you're expecting whatever it is to come to you. Sometimes life isn't about preparing yourself for something you may one day want. And sometimes it's not even about finding any means necessary to escape. It's just about finding your way out form the edges and into the center of the circle where everything you've been striving for awaits. You really have nothing to fear or be resentful for...all you need to do is take a chance and reach the center and not be so impatient as to walk away from the circle. All you need to do is force yourself into the center and hope for the best. We can only be happy inside the circle.

As for me...I still need more time going around...but I know I'll never walk away.

Phorensics Show No Prints On This Trigger

(The following blog should not be taken seriously for it is merely a metaphor for trust and care)

If I was to go to some random location with a group of people walking about, pulled out a gun, shoved it in my mouth, then pulled the trigger....exactly how many people would care?
Sure, people there will react. Though, for the most part, they'll only react tot the fact that someone just got killed before their eyes and now they've failed at going their entire, care-free lives without seeing a dead body. At the moment, they'll freak out. They might call a paramedic, although I doubt they'll do it to save a life. They'll only do it to get the dead body out of the way soon enough. After a day, they won't care that you're dead. All they'll care about is the fact that they want the "bad" to go away.
It's sad how this may apply to friends too....
It's amazing how many friends we claim yet so few we can really trust. You kill yourself in front of them, but would they care that one of their close companions have died, or will they react to the fact that death has come so close to them?
There are only a select few people that will even bother to shed a tear if you died. Those are the people that you hold on to for the rest of your lives. Everyone else will probably brush off your death as if it was just some schmo passing away.

I'm glad I know who my friends are so I can put down the gun.

No Human Chicks

You ever wonder why yu were alone and you realize it's all your fault.
I had a chat with a friend of mine and it turns out the reason we're single for so long is because...te he he....us. We are too fucking picky when it comes to, not only women, but people in general. The smallest little detail about a person will turn us off from them. From dating and even friendship. For example, he's doesn't like girls with braces, blond hair, personality, or a little bit of baby fat. As for me: girls with a certain fashion sense and likings turn me off.
This is horrible.
It really scares me that I've become the type of person that refuses to lead a normal life because of a few minor details I seem to find intolerable for no reason at all. This is something I mocked my friend for not a few months ago saying how "unbelievably picky" he is and how it's "no wonder you're so alone".

I'm the same way...I need help.

Mad Max '08

Well, as me and some friends like to put it in satirically horrible grammar, "I done fucked up".
Apparently being registered as an independent means "I have to throw my vote away". I had no choice when it came to voting for either Clinton or Obama. (Personally I'm voting for Obama). My whole reason behind registering as an independent was to be able to vote for any party at any time I please. Obviously, this wasn't the case.
So since I voted for God-knows-who, I've apparently increased interest in the presidential elections. I've been rooting for who I want to win even more now that I seem to have incidentally forsaken him. Unlike other elections I've been more in tune with what has been going on politically. I figured that it was because I CAN vote now, but even with that privilege, I wasn't all that interested. Now that My vote didn't do anything, I'm a lot more interested in finding out how this election will turn out without my assistance. It's as if the fact that I voted wrong is forcing me to try my best to make up for it by being a "cheerleader". But that's not working. It's funny how messing up influences you to fix things faster than you really can...

...but you can't.

Shitlist (Rant #4)

Though this isn't one of my "traditional" rants, there is a list of people and ideas that I probably won't spend too much time on in long rants, but people who must be shit on none the less. I don't like them, yet I don't feel they deserve the time for me to spend my time ranting about them. They just don't deserve my time. Here it is....my shit-list:

• "1,2,3 Fuck" Chris
• The deans of several UC's
• Diddy
• Paparazzi
• TMZ
• The people who "ok" Larry the Cable Guy Scripts to go into production
• Larry the Cable Guy
• Paul Stanley
  
• Rapists
• James Blunt
• People who like "Hey There Delilah"
• George W. Bush
• Paris Hilton
• Girls who wear snow boots and parkas with fur in them (We're not in Antarctica, stop acting like we are)
• People who use Sidekicks
• The Metro buses (have a long history with them)
• That one dude who failed me on my first drivers test
• Pedestrians
• Hollister
• People who wear "Hollister" clothing
• Taxes
• Bill Gates
• Tom
• People who drive hybrids
• Potheads
• The police (while i'm driving)
• Guitar Hero
• Air Guitarists
• People who think drinking is the only way to be social
• Gym class
• The gym class building
• The concept of gym class
• Her...
• Parking Lot "J"
• My spanish teacher
• pot holes
• The people who gave "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" a bad review
• Ska
• Glam Metal
• Steve
• And the evil genious's behind reality dating shows

That's all I can really think of now, but there will be additions....OH YES...there will be additions.

Ceiling Fan

There are days when I come home to relax and rethink my whole outlook on life. I do this fairly randomly yet, when I do, I tend to rethink everything about my life. I think about who I know, what I do, how I go about things, just simple things I tend to think about when no one's around.
I'll lay down on my bed and stare at my ceiling fan and watch it go around, and around; always imagining that sooner or later the screws will come loose, fall off it's hinges, fall on my face, and hopefully put an end to my constant thinking.
Though that never happens. Instead I'll lye there and think. I'll think and think and think until I've turned everything good that's happened to me into some sort of negative event. Thinking is sometimes the worst thing I can do to myself.

And no matter how negative the thought, I never seem to do anything to fix it.

Bethlehem

We always want our rewards without working toward it. If we were given a chance to live 40 years in paradise but have to live through 3 years of hell, we would probably turn it down. Even if given such a reward for such a minuscule task, our need for the now takes over and we yearn for what we can get. Then, in the long run, we look back and realize that we could have had great treasure for a long time, but instead we traded that for five minutes of false hope and joy.

In order for us to truly enjoy life, the "us" now has to make a sacrifice so that the "us" later can live a long and prosperous life. If we can't do that, then thats just epitomizing the meaning of "selfishness". I we can't do that, then maybe we don't deserve to lead a great life.

All we need to do is let go for now so that we can hang on later. We become much better people that way.

Forty days of hell is nothing if you receive a lifetime of paradise in return...and that's what I'm going through.

Sunday Bloody Sunday

Today hasn't been the best of days. I woke up late, had a bad breakfast, found out the class I missed on Thursday did A LOT for me to make up, had my freedom underminded, and got screwed out of a chance to hang out with one my best friends during her incredibly short stay in South Gate. All on Super Bowl Sunday.
I always hated sports. Rarely have they ever done me any good. Sports days are just events that give family members a chance to get really drunk or fight with other relatives over "who's gonna win". I had a feeling yesterday that my good luck streak was finally coming to an end. And I wa right...

...I've hit the ground.

Bricks

I'm gonna hit a wall soon.
Things as of late have been going too well. I know this because whenever something is going great for me, like lets say a day at an amusement park, something always crashes down and wrecks everything good that had come about. (Like lets say a fallout) So far there has been a slew of good luck coming my way: revelations, patching up fences, Mars Volta live. And so far nothing. I would like to relax for once and think that everything is finally going my way for a change. I would love for that to happen. But I can never relax. I'm always looking over my shoulder for something to come attack me and take everything away from me again.
I can't enjoy life anymore because I'm spending all of my time living in the shadows of paranoia. I just know that soon something good is going to come crumbling down.

After falling for so long I can't help but feel I'm about to hit the ground.

De-Loused In The Bren Events Center

So on Wednesday, I went to Irvine. Normally I would only only head to Irvine to visit a couple of friends or scope out the school I might transfer to. But this time I had an IMPORTANT reason to go (and to my Irvine friends, if you didn't like that joke I'm sorry and love you very much). I saw the Mars Volta live. And I must say, every other concert I've ever been to was immediately nullified in my mind after that performance. The day itself had it's ups and downs. Mostly ups.

My last class of the day kind of conflicted with the trip. Erick and I were supposed to leave by 1....my class ended at 3 and we had a homework assignment due. I decided to simply turn in th assignment and leave. However, at 12:30 I grew impatient for the teachers arrival. So I left. As I was driving I called Erick to see if he was home. Although he wasn't, I figured that "by the time I get to his house, he'll be there"
I was wrong.
At 1:30 ish, after bank problems and hunger, he finally made it and we were on our way. 4/5's of the way there, I realize I have no idea where the place was. I called my Irvine friend, Karen, to see if she knew. And just as I predicted earlier when I was joking around with Erick, she didn't answer her phone. The first thought that came to my head was "we're screwed". However after a second try, she finally answered. Drowsy as fuck, but she answered. I got my information and we we're on our way. Funny thing was, there was a huge sign pointing directly to the Bren Center, so the phone call ended up being completely pointless if I had just waited for five minutes. So we get there and theres a few people in line. Luckily, Erick finds an old buddy and we wait with him in the front of the line. After getting some food and a phone call from my sleepy friend asking if we had made it, we commenced the waiting period. 4 straight hours of simply standing in line. For the sake of wanting to get to the point and laziness, I shall skip to the performance. At 8:40, after hearing a bunch of repetitive dance music for about an hour and a half, the theme to "A Fistfull Of Dollars" begins to play (this being the bands entrance music). The band walked on, and they rocked on.
(FUCK, that was cheesy)
I ended up being at the very front of the audience. In front of me was only a barricade and security guards...no ruthless moshers (unlike the Coheed concert...asses). So I figure, this might be better. Nope. The entire crowd moved forward and crushed my stomach almost completely. I couldn't reach my pockets and when I was trying to sing along I quickly ran out of breath because my lungs couldn't function properly due to the crushing. Crowd surfers also proved to be a problem for the came at a continuous rate, all of them kicking me in the head, and the security guards smothering me with their gelatinous bodies as they were "rescuing" the crowd surfers.
Did I care?
Nope.
The Mars Volta played their asses off and I couldn't have asked for more. Finally they came close to wear I live. Although the surroundings always make me think of something else. People, actually, who I consistently visit whenever I come to the city. As a matter of fact, the only reason I come to the city before I transfer. The only real lasting flaw of the night was the fact I neglected to see them. It's kind of like when you go to Chocolate land for the shakes but you don't get the candy bars you always get when you go there. Or when you go to TJ and don't down a shot of tequila...it doesn't feel right.

It was a fulfilling night....but during the drive back, I couldn't help but feel like I wasn't finished yet.