Haze

I feel like I'm coming out of a drug haze. Like I've taken a series of drugs and went thought this stupor where nothing made any sense and where I didn't accomplish anything. Where I just bummed around town finding anything and anyone to mooch off of because I can't seem to support myself.
I've gotten lazier and lazier about the things I'm supposed to do. Even the things I don't need to do, things I do just to get by (like this blog or writing in general), I just don't seem to bother with anymore. Everything I've planned to do has gone to shit.
Not anymore.

I'm going to change everything for the better. Things I've been lazy about I WILL accomplish. As for official Business, the blog will be back in full swing starting this friday with my long promised "Sleep Apnea" epic poem and I will post the "Red Notebook" saga as well. As for everything else in life, I'm going to make sure they get done...fast!

I'm not going to be fucking up any longer.

Everything and Nothing

Lately I haven't been able to post anything. I've found myself to be far too busy. Between school and school and the time in between school, I can't seem to do anything I want to anymore. I rarely talk to distant friends anymore, I almost never find time to indulge in my hobbies anymore, and all I've really done is read pages upon pages of material from school that I have yet to pay attention to or decipher.
I have no time for anything.
Isn't this what I've been craving for the past few months? When a few classes and a four day weekend were depressing me so. When I would simply lay there at my house and accomplish almost nothing. I should be happy now.
I'm a "real" student and not just some guy who goes to LBCC every now and then.
I have everything I wanted right?
Or am I back to nothing?
Can there not be a balance?

Fuck.

Man On The Moon

For a while I've been feeling empty. Places and people that usually make me so happy have been doing nothing for me. I've been wanting to venture off into new plains btu I soon realized that I'll just bore of that as fast as the others. I wanted life to end, not that I was really depressed and couldn't take it, but because there was nothing else to do. Everything was done.

But I learned that there's always more to life when you wait a little bit. Something will come up that will throw something exciting your way. Old acquaintances and friends may surprise you in ways you wouldn't expect them too. Even when you feel you've reached a plateau, soon enough something else will come along to give your life meaning again. Even old hobbies seem to have been given a second wind.
I love the things that keep me busy and I love the people who keep me happy. I still feel a bit of emptiness inside, but i can feel it slowly filling itself back up again.
Things are gonna be alright.

I feel like a man on the moon. I've accomplished everything but have no one and nothing to share it with. I'm just there alone...but at least I know there's someone waiting for me when I get back.

I can't wait till I can turn the respirator off and breathe on my own again.

The Moon and Mr. Cory

I've been feeling this void inside lately. As if something important is missing. And no matter how hard I try, no matter what I do to try and fill this hole, I can't do it. Something important is missing.
I feel as though everything I accomplish doesn't amount to much. Every day I spend with someone else always feels as though it was somehow wasted. I can spend a whole day with one of my friends, but when the day is over, it comes back to me that the days all appear to be the same. Theres no excitement anymore. No randomness to keep me guessing on my feet. No reason for me to get up in the morning.
I remember when I started school again. That first day I was so happy to be back. Everything was fresh and exciting. I met new people and learned new things. But that faded away almost as quickly as it came.
Everything bores me these days. Hobbies I used to enjoy immensely, ideas that would always take me by surprise, even the people that make me happy every time I see their faces don't seem to spark any fuses of life within me. Everything is so bland now and I don't know why.
I want things to go back to the way they were. When everything I take for granted these days used to fill me with such joy and life back in the day. Back when I could be euphoric from the simple pleasures I would get out of life. But I find myself disappointed from event the most extravagant of accomplishments. I can't find joy in anything anymore and I can't take it.
I can't take the fact that nothing will make me happy anymore even if it's something that brings joy to anyones face. I can't take the fact that I have to go through life with my eyelids half open because I stopped caring whether or not I'll miss a moment of life. I can't take the fact that my friends can't make me happy anymore. There were days where I would light up whenever a friend of mine would call, or would pick me up to go eat, or I would pick them up to go see a movie, or maybe we'd just stay at my house and watch TV. These would have made me so happy back then. But now....nothing.
I need something, but I don't know what.
I need something...maybe even someone to change everything back to the way they're supposed to be and to fill that void that's been plaguing me for a very long time.
I feel like a man on the moon. I've accomplished everything, but I have no one and nothing to share it with. I'm just there alone...what's the point?
I just need something else...someone else...anything else.
I just need something I already have to evolve, someone I already know to let me in, anything I already know to become more.

I just want to be able to feel again.

Doc Brown Doesn't Live Here Anymore

How do you know when you've done something you'll regret?

Do you figure it out when you need to or when it's too late? Or do you figure it out before you even commit your crime?

It's so sad how selfish we are sometimes to the point where we'll refuse to do something for someone else because of some small inconvenience. Then once you lose their trust, how is there "going back"?

How is there coming back from making a rash decision because you think you're tired of waiting for someone or something? You move on and then all of a sudden the other party decides to "come around". Then you realize when it's too late that you didn't want this "new" thing after all, but you can't do anything about it now.

You're stuck.

How is there a "coming back" back fucking up?

We can't turn back time, but we can always try and fix things. It's never too late to repair anything. Even when it's all gone, there's always an essence of its being that will always remain. Who to blame never matters. All that matters is how badly do you truly want to fix these problems that seem to have occurred. If you truly, truly want to set things right....then you will.

If not, then you probably didn't want it in the first place.

Rapid Eye Movement

R.E.M.

Rapid Eye Movement

When asleep, this is supposedly the deepest sleep of your cycle. Within this stage, you begin to dream. Whether they're in black or white or in color, they always seems to be some vivid depiction of your subconscious wants and needs. Even if you deny something in reality, your dreams remind you of what is true in your life and all of the things you may try to hide. Sometimes it'll be too cryptic to understand, but the message is there. Other times, it'll be all there for you to see.

Sometimes it'll be a pleasant dream: you'll find treasure or find the person of your dreams. Maybe you'll find a mystical unicorn under a magical rainbow....or hump a money [I don't know what people consider a "good dream" these days.] You dream, and you're happy. That's my point. [You sick sick beastiality lovers]

Then you dream about things you don't want to be true. Maybe it' not true, but there are some things you can't deny. Like if a treasure you want so badly is just sitting there, you're guarding it, but you're just aching to take it yourself. Even everyone around you tells you that you can simply get it, btu it doesn't belong to you. Therefore, you don't go for it. You've been told you can't have it, yet you know you can. It's all your's but you can't take it. And you don't know why. Then you have a dream where, one day, someone else takes your treasure away. And there's nothing you can do about it. You had ALL this time to do what you know you have to do, but because you were too afraid of non-existent consequences that came with taking what was rightfully yours. But the opportunities gone now. It's all gone. And the only person to blame is yourself. Then you wake up, and realize your treasure is still there. But even with the subconscious warning you received, you still don't take it. You know it's yours , but there wil always be that feeling inside that you cannot have it. Everyone is telling you that the treasure is all yours and you're not listening to them. Dreams will always remind you of these things.

This was the dream I had about a month ago. And now my treasure's all gone.

And I never got a penny.

Collapse

I'm a huge advocate of music. Sometimes, the only way for me to remember something, is to associate it with a song I might have had stuck in my head at the time. For example, whenever I think of the last days of 10th grade, I think of "Rhinoceros" by the Smashing Pumpkins. Around that time I had just recently purchased "Gish". When I remember summer school I think of "Bury Me" by the same band. When I think of my 16th birthday, the entire "City of Evil" album by Avenged Sevenfold comes to mind. These are all good memories mind you.
Then there are the bad ones. There are what I like to call, "The Big Three": these are three songs I listen to that always bring back horrible memories for me. I won't mention any specific memories, but just to quench some thirsts, one involves failure, one involves depression, and the other involves "what-if's". I HATE what-if's. The songs are "Delerium Trigger", "Exit Music for a Film", and "Collapse". And this is the song that made me write this.
A few weeks ago I was listening to Sparta and this song came on. I managed to move on with what the song had actually meant to me, but for some reason that day I just sat there and tried to channel everything from the time I listened to it. I brought back every sickening emotion I could when I was listening to it. I brought back every heartbreaking moment from the time I first listened to it. I brought back everything at the time I wanted to relinquish from my life forever. Yet I kept listening. I listened to it and listened to it. I just kept listening to it full well what the consequences brought. I wanted to remember the bad times for some reason.
If I were to guess, it just took me back to the times where I had almost everything to gain. It's amazing how much torture some of us put ourselves through in order to find some sort of happiness.
Why is it that I only find solace in misery?
Is it to relive days where I had nothing to lose? To remind myself how bad I had things back in the day and how great I have it now? If I can even call it great anymore.
Or am I just a Masochist: Just aching for pain at the mere moment of relief. When things are good I need to twist the knife I had once taken out in order to enjoy ife. I can't just be plain happy anymore. I love torturing myself and I don't know why. For some reason it makes me happy to know I was once miserable.

Whatever it is...I was just listening to the song again, and I'm pressing repeat.

Meet the Lethargically Plagiarised Movie (Rant #3)

Why is there going to be a "Meet The Spartans" movie? Didn't they already prove how unsuccessful, stupid, and poorly made these movies are? Didn't they already prove that none of these movies have clear or original plots or jokes, but simply 90 minutes of lazy plagiarism and a collage of pop culture references pasted together? Why is it that we put so much focus on the celebrity world? Why is it that our lives revolve around these people whose only role in life is to pretend to be someone else in front of a big screen? Why do they get higher regard than a doctor, or a teacher, or someone of a profession that has greater merit? Why is this our obsession?
These "Genre Movie" movies are not funny at all. Their main use for comedy are "fart" jokes and exact replicas of pop culture. Needless to say, "fart jokes" have a limit to their comedic potential, but why is lazy plagiarism considered funny? All it is is meshing different movies and different events of pop culture and putting them together to create a very unsuccessful attempt at a joke. These "movies" (if you can even call them that) such as "Scary Movie" "Date Movie" and "Epic Movie" only lower the standards of what is considered funny. Comedians these days are AS unoriginal as these "comedic films". For example, take any white comedian and he will talk about the most arbitrary of tasks. Take any black comedian and he'll spend most of his set putting down white people. Take any hispanic comedian, and they'll spend most of their set putting down their own race. It's all so BORING and not not funny. YES, I GET IT!! Black people walk all cool and white people don't! Drop it!!
No one is trying anymore because they know they don't need to.
The only people whose wrists I wanna slit the most (it's a lot less violent than I have just put it) are the people who, not only write the script, but give the script the "O.K." to go into production. Even the actors who, for some stupid reason agree to perform in such a stupid movie, get me to believe that murder should be legalized for them reading the script and thinking to themselves "This story MUST be told!".
The worst culprits of them all are the higher up in production who know exactly how horrible these movies are yet still acquiesce to their inception in order to make a quick buck for their bottomless wallets by taking advantage our, the consumer's, ever disintegrating ability think for ourselves. They know we obsess ove celebrities, they know our sense of humor has suffered a severe atrophy, and they know we're afraid of change, hence, the many neverending sequels that studios seem to shit out every year without consent from loyal fans of solidary movies and non-conflicting storylines.
Who knows...maybe the corporate bigheads DO deserve the money from our de-evolved lives.

We've already proven time and time again by spending it on these horribly bad movies that we dont know how to use money.

So this is the New Year

I don't know whether it's because only so many days have passed since it's inception or im just being very cynical, but the "new year" simply feels like a continuation of the previous yea: 2007. I'm not saying thats a bad thing. It was a good year: a year of firsts, a year of revelations, a year where so many goals were met and dreams achieved. Sure, it was also a year od disappointment, rejection, and some depression, but it was NO WHERE near as much as 2006 and the former half of 2005. 2005 was bad (you'll hear about that later) but 2006 was horrible. That year everything great I had achieved seemed to have been taken away from me almost immediately that year. But 2006 is behind me now. And, unfortunately, so is 2007. I'm hoping for the best this year. I hoping I can finally go on autopilot this year. Where there are no worries and I find as much happiness as I did in 2007. But thats all to come very soon.

As for resolutions, I have a few. Just like last year where I had seven resolutions (only about two I actually kept) I have eight this year to correspond to the new year [2008]. This is kind of a tradition of mine because I started it in 2003. Obviously I didn't try this in the 90's because that would've been just WAY too much to keep track of. But I digress. My resolutions:

1) Hug People a lot more often: After being told I that I don't seem "hugable", I looked back and realized that I actually don't hug people as much as I should. I honestly don't remember the last time I hugged my mom back. That's BAD! So I'm gonna start hugging people more often.
2) Start a band: Making it's fourth appearance on my resolutions list, I'm starting a band...again...I hope. This wouldn't have been on the list again, but thats to a friend of mine and his comment (damn myspace) I'm more determined than ever to accomplish this resolution. And rub it in his Texas FACE!!
3) Finish ONE of my screenplays: I have a good ten or twelve stories I've started btu never really finished. And theres one that I really should finish considering it's based on 10th grade...and I started it in 10t grade. Once again...BAD!
4) Start and Finish 10 selected books: Once I finish "The Alchemist" I'm planning to start on the many many books I have purchased yet never read. Specifically: "Alice in Wonderland", "The Sun Also Rises", "Lolita", "Dracula", "One Hundred Years of Solitude", "Slaughterhouse Five", "Johnny Got His Gun", "Heart Of Darkness", "Invisible Man", and the Challenge: "Crime and Punishment"
5) Learn to Play Drums: Self explanatory
6) Buy a Half stack: Once again, self explanatory
7) Skip to my lou: I dont know what that means, but it sounds funny. Ok fine, a real one...
7) Attend every X-games event this year: There.
8) Finally, the "Top Secret" resolution I always have: Every year, if I dont accomplish anything else, THIS is the one resolution I do accomplish. But you won't know about it until the years end. HA!

Another year of empty promises to myself....wish me luck.

Back From the Dead

So I got antsy, bored, and down right writing crazy. Turns out these blogs aren't so much mundane and trivial routine activities, but just something I enjoy doing to pass the time or let complete strangers into what some random kid is thinking about or contemplates.

I've just written so much over the vacation, I couldn't wait any longer to release everything. Just like I said before, "Sleep Apnea" will be released soon (Though im only half way down with it) and blog will be coming EVERY DAY rain or shine. More thoughts, more poems, More grievances, more rants....Oh yes!!! The rants are coming back with a vengeance. As for the blogs themselves, they're gonna be JJJUUUUUIIICCCYYYYY!!!! hahah.
But seriously, they're gonna reflect my thoughts on a MUCH more personal level. If you had ever wondered why I act the way I do or whatever, by the time the year is done (also taking into account whether or not anyone reads EVERY blog), you will know EVERYTHING about me. For example, along with new blogs I have written up, i'm taking a HUGE risk.
I found my journal from 10th grade and....yup....i'm gonna post EVERYTHING in it over the next few months or so. At least the dates inside the journal anyway (Ranging from 5/6/05-12/31/05). Every thought, every emotion, every ounce of blood, sweat, and tears (the day I cut myself and it spilled on the paper, it hurt.) I will post AS IS. (No matter how bad the grammar was.) You'll be so surprised how random and different some of the journal entries were yet so intertwined they become at the end. If you read that is. Then again, who reads these. ha.

So lets let the games begin shall we...