Acetaminophen On The Mind

My brain is boiling
My pride is destroyed
My world is distorted.

I can't write a real blog today. My head doesn't seem to be all there today. With a mixture of unwanted thoughts and an unrelenting headache (mostly the headache), I can't very well think let alone write anything prolific. Driving home I almost crashed several times because I couldn't see past the dashboard due to dizziness and spots in front of my eyes. I think I'm just going to lay down for a while...maybe even after the headache leaves.

I feel like staying away from society for awhile.
From everyone even...

...I'm not sure yet.

Mulligans

I'm back. Once again to roam among the living. Once again to eviscerate my grievances upon your unsuspecting minds.

It's saddening really how I only return to this blog to share my troubles. Over the past week I had "Spring Break". Albeit, I didn't go to fucking Cancun and get laid or whatever college kids do on MTV, I did manage to spend time with people I love and admire. I spent time with people I see everyday, people I rarely see but still keep a close bond with, I even managed to see someone I hadn't seen in years. The entire course of the week was amazing really. Then everything seemed to just come crashing down.

Today, Sunday, was a fairly good day spent with my family. We had a Carne Asada. Those are always fun. Though I knew everythign was going too well. With a combination of being lied to, completely ignoring something I needed to tend to, my being ill-prepared for school, being ripped off by AT & T, not being able to say a proper goodbye to a friend, and realizing all of your efforts from a few months ago to fix something may be all for naught...I'd say I'm back to a rocky start.

So I'm Mulligans now...starting over. I'm back to square one with everyone. I'm just hoping that I can do everything again.

Have you ever been writing an essay and not save only to have it all erased when the system crashes? Then you're forced to rewrite everything and in the end, not only have you saved over and over again to make sure it doesn't happen again, you end up liking the results of the new better than the old.

Here's to hoping that's the outcome I end up with. Until then, here I am, having to redo every little repair all over again...hoping that I'll like the new results better.

Right now all I have is hope...and knowing me, I won't be able to hang onto it for long.

The Reset Button

I don't know why, but when I go tout of the shower this morning I felt something inside that made me feel as though life were starting over. I came into my room, closed my eyes, took a deep breath, opened my eyes again, and looked around. I saw everything.

I saw my room nice and clean, a new chair for my computer, my window open letting some fresh air in.
I closed my eyes again and I saw people that I know. I saw old friends with the biggest of smiles and I saw new friends with most ecstatic of demeanors. I saw obstacles over come and I saw dreams realized.

I saw everything great in life and I sat down to begin my day. I got a text from a friend I haven't seen in years...this is where I knew that things are finally looking up and going my way.
I've been saying for a while that "I want things to be better even if it means starting over completely". For once, I finally have that feeling...that GREAT feeling inside where you know the future only holds the best for you.

I've been waiting to exhale for a long time and for once I feel as though I've been given that chance.

So here I am pressing the reset button...waiting with open arms to whatever may come.

Never Mind

Never mind the loveless connections
Never mind the future regrets
Never mind the power control
Never mind the forgetfulness
Never mind the falsities of blood
Never mind the obsessions
Never mind the forced bonding
Never mind the residual love
Never mind the torture
the anguish
the sympathy
the disgrace
the horror
Never mind the whole thing...

...I just want to leave.

Everyone And No One

When you find gold, you tend to forget about the ones that led you to the treasure itself.

Yes, my self esteem and overall view on life has bettered itself, but I feel there are people I've neglected over time. And I know that when I go back to those people, I'll neglect the ones I have now.

There's always a point in any friendship where you know for a fact that you are starting to drift apart:
Maybe it's when you talk to one another and there's no spark anymore.
Maybe it's when you look in their eyes and you know deep down you've done everything you can can do with one another.
Maybe it's knowing that your planned futures are too different to keep up with one another. Maybe it's getting a phone call that feels MUCH too formal to be the person you once knew.
Maybe it's ignoring a message left because you don't feel like responding right away or at all and you used to answer the second you saw or heard it.
Maybe it's just not caring whether or not they'll ever say "hi" to you again.
Maybe it's just not caring anymore.

I know I've let a lot of friendships end very unceremoniously over the years. Though there are some people I feel i'm drifting from that I absolutely can't let go of yet. These are the people that you always need that one last day with. That last day to see whether or not you really want to cut them loose from your life. That last day to see whether or not you are truly ready to part ways.
If that day ends and you feel as though there are still more to come, and the sparks still there, then you really have nothing to worry about. It's when the day ends, the morning comes, and the day preceding isn't even a blip in your mind ,that you start to worry about your friendship.
You can never understand why. You always think to yourself about the times you had with these people and how great things were and wonder how things ended up the way they did. You look back and try to pinpoint the exact moment you started drifting but you can never find it. It happens slowly over the course of time. It's like cancer. It just hits you and you can never figure out when until its too late. Things just drift and die.

I've let that happen too many times to let it happen again. I swore that the last person I drifted from would be the last. At this point I can only hope the spark isn't gone...in anyone. I can only hope that the good times had in days past come back to rear their heads one last time. No...not one last time. I hope that good times had in days past come back and never feel the need to leave.

All of my friends are too good for me and deserve better than for me to just neglect them like a used napkin.

Sandbox Scars

Somewhere in the world, a little boy is playing in a sandbox. He's completely unaware of the world around him. He's unaware of corruption, death, evil. He's unaware that life will be more complicated than a 16-piece giant puzzle. He's unaware that, when he's a teenager, he'll have to worry about rejection and puberty and wanting to be accepted by everyone. He's unaware that he's going to meet people that will make his life more complicated yet much more exciting. He's unaware that, after high school, life will become even MORE complicated as he now has to decide between college or to stat living in the real world right away.
A little kid doesn't have to worry, but he still has it worse.
He has it the worst because he's about to have all of his innocence taken away from him in a matter of years.

I know I always say things about wanting to be young again, but there are some wounds that you just shouldn't have to re-open.

...Forever Hold Your Peace

After weeks of eye surgery and trying to figure out whether or not what you see is really what is there, you come out of surgery knowing full well what to expect. Then, as you're walking down the hall, someone takes a picture of you with a flashbulb thats apparently 100 watts. You're blind again and the world has distorted for the second time.

That's at least how things have been as of late. After a long time of nothing but torture, things were finally looking up for me....then something happened. My best friend, let's call him "Wilfred" for the sake of legality, decided to get married THIS Saturday to a girl he hasn't even know for a full year. Now, I understand people who love each other feel they're right for each other or whatever the fuck, but this is just way too soon. I can only hope that people reading this understand where I'm coming from.

He's only 18, still lives with his parents, is a freshman in college, she's NOT pregnant, and (like I stated before) they haven't known each other let alone been with each other for a full year.
I don't know how to feel:

I want to yell at him and scream at him about the incredibly stupid move he's about to make. I want to talk him out of this whole thing and try to understand WHY he would do this at such a young age with such haste. I want to beat him senseless so that, come Wedding day, he'll be too crippled to let the event commence.

At the same time, I want to congratulate him. I want to tell him "Good job on finding someone you truly love", I want to be proud of my friend for finally finding happiness in his life.

I want to shake his hand and give him a hug but at the same time I want to knee him in the balls for doing this.

I just don't know how to take this. I want to be mad....but I can't. I want to be happy....but I can't. I understand that I'm his best friend and we consider each other blood brothers. I understand that I have to respect his decision because that's the basis of a friendship...respect. It's just that this...this is too much.

These are the events in life I hate the most: the events where all you can do is sit back and hope for the best.

I once told another friend after some other incident that "I liked it better when you were just a ten minute walk away...". I said that after I realized there was nothing I could have done to help out this friend of mine. And that quote applies to what's going on now as well...

...I feel helpless.

Buy the Ticket, Take the Ride

We make mistakes.
We over react.

We take life much more seriously than we need to which makes it somewhat hard to live. Some of of can take the pressure, but most of us can't.

I had a panic attack on Thursday. I ran out of my spanish class, went straight to the restroom, threw up, and left. I put my things in my car and started walking away from the parking lot.

I kept walking and walking until I made it to this duck pond near my school. I sat down and just proceeded to think. I thought about everything. I thought about everyone. I just....thought.

After a while I tried assessing everything and everyone. I started thinking about who to blame and what to get rid of in my life. I wanted answers to why I was so depressed and why everything wasn't going right in my life. I wanted solutions.

I can't say that I found them, but I managed to weed out my problems. For my privacy, I won't write them down. Though, I realized that we're given a chance to live.

In that lifetime, you are meant to accomplish as much as possible without having to look back and lament at what you didn't accomplish. Life is all about celebrating what you do have because you've spent your life unknowingly trudging toward these rewards, when you finally realize what you have, you wouldn't want to go back and do everything over again just for a different outcome. Whether you believe in God, or Buddha, or fate, or whatever, just know that everything has it's purpose. One thing always leads to another and every chain of events inevitably leads to where you need to be in life.

After I had some time to think, I realized that all of the shit that's been thrown at me was all just a test. A test to see if I understand that everything bad always leads to something good and vice versa. Life can't be perfect, but that doesn't mean we can't try our best to make it as pleasant as we possibly can. If you can't do something and feel bad about it, move on to something you CAN do to raise your self esteem a bit then revisit what you can't do. You can do anything if you care to do it enough.

Life only gets you down if you stop caring. We're given life so we can live it to the fullest. We only get one...so why not?

In the immortal words of Hunter S. Thompson:

"Buy the Ticket, Take the Ride"

Splitting Atoms

A journal is a journal. A poetry book is a poetry book. A book is a book.

These three things don't entirely belong together although they fair pretty well with each other if need be. I can't juggle my poems, my thoughts, and stories from time's past all in the same blog. While I've been showing off my stories and what not, I haven't been able to truly share my thoughts as well as I've wanted to. So I've decided to split evrything up. I'm still going to be posting my thoughts in this blog, but I'm moving my poems to this blog: The Erohed Speaks

I'll be posting every poem I've posted in this blog in that blog and taking those poems down from this blog. That way, if you would rather see my poetry, go there. If you'd rather here my thoughts, come here. As for the last thing, the Red Notebook saga is getting its own blog.
The Erohed Crowns

This is an epic (and true) tale of the a crush that nearly destroyed my life.

So from here on in, The Erohed Journals will be exclusively a live journal. No more poetry, no more short stories. The links to those blogs are somewhere above, so go bookmark those (this means you Ms. Gonzalez) too.

As for the "Sleep Apnea" translations....uh...they're taking a lot longer to produce than I had imagined. I can promise you that they won't take as long as the poems themselves, btu they may take awhile. But, being the curious little boy that I am, I'd like to hear what those of you who have read it think of it. So if you know me, tell me what you think is going on. If you don't know me, leave a comment on this blog or add me on myspace. I just like hearing other interpretations.

When they are done, they will be waiting in the poetry blog along with my other poems, "Deciduous Wing" in it's entirety, and "Sleep Apnea" in one post.

Have a nice day, and I hope you all enjoy the new blogs.

Jub Jub =}