Highway

There definitely was a time where I thought I had a destination, but after a while, it didn't even seem to matter anymore. I just kept driving on the same highway that I've grown so accustomed to.
I've always wanted to travel, and this is what I'm doing.
There are definitely days where I wish I had a destination of so I wouldn't have to rely on this single highway. After awhile, you just get tired of it.
It's definitely taken me places that I should be, but never to places I want to be.
I think this is it.
No matter how long I drive, I can't seem to find the proper exit.
Maybe I should put the top back up...it's getting dark.

I should pull over someday.

Ha.

Ha.

For a while now...haha

Just because of all the stress, haha, and the over abundance...

hahah...

The over abundance of work that never seems to end...hahahah

and the work the can be seen on the horizon...

hahah

Not to mention the depression that seems to be seeping in for reasons

hahaha

haha, reasons I can't even disclose because, ahaha, I'm so fuckign secretive about every, hahah

hahah, every fucking thing, I don't even know certain things abotu mmyself.
hahaha
hahah
haha
ha

I, hahaha, I can't catch a break no matter what I do, hahaha

I'm perpetually in this shithole of...hahah, a shithole of an existence called li, haha, life, hahahah

I want to, hahah, I wa, hahah, I want to, hahah

I want to shoot myself, hahah

In the fucking face. hahahaha

It just doesn't end, hahaha, no matter how hard I try, hahah, no matter what I do or what direction I turn, ahhaha, it just keeps coming, hahaha, and I'm not just talking about work, hahah, as a matter of fact, hahah, I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore, hahaha, that's the problem, hahaha

I...hahah....I...just want it to end.

Black circles under my eyes are so passé.

Ha.

A Walk Through Fire

Some would say
A walk through fire
is better...

...than a lifetime underwater.

Do You Gotta Light? (Rant #7)

I’ve quit smoking, but not because it was bad for me. I just didn’t feel the need to do it anymore. At first, it was the recreational puff of smoke that kept me drawn to the cancer stick for as long as it did. I thought I finally figured it out. People smoke because it’s relaxing. Then, whenever I found someone to smoke with, they didn’t find it relaxing as I did. They were “social smokers”.
Social smoker: they prefer to smoke in public in order to stand out as “cool” and accepted by other smokers. They think they’re better than smokers because they only smoke when others are around. They only smoke when others are around in order to “impress” them and show them an “edgy” side that most wouldn’t expect of them.
It’s stupid. Smoking isn’t cool. It’s extremely hazardous to anyone’s health and is normally universally frowned upon by many. And you’re doing this to be cool?
I don’t smoke to be cool. I smoke because I have a hard time finding time to be stable minded and smoking seemed to be one placebo I was willing to try. It worked for a bit, but after awhile I found it more stressful to deal with having to purchase them, purchase a lighter, finding time to myself, and smoking somewhere I'll not be bothered. Then I constantly came across all of these phonies--mostly at school and people I barely know--who smoke or drink in order to be cool. It’s sickening knowing people would so deep in order to be seen in a light brighter than the one they’ve already developed just being themselves.
And it’s not just smoking: This whole ordeal has opened my eyes to just how fake people can act in order to get attention, false acclamations, or to be considered “one of us”.
You are not one of us. I don’t even know what “one of us” is.
You can only be cool if you act like yourself without any worries as to how you are perceived.
I hated myself every time I lit up, so why would you praise it? I can’t stop the epidemic of the “social smoker”, but in the meantime, I can say one thing:

To all “social smokers”: Fuck you.

The Door

I think the door is open again.
Do I go in?
It closed on me so fast the first time, I just feel the same thing is going to happen as soon as I set one foot beyond the threshold.
I feel I've been working so hard to open this door, yet I could never find the right keys.
I remember when I first came to the door and tried to just waltz right in.
It was embarrassing seeing everyone I know simply walk through, as they all possessed the keys that unlocked the door.
I had refused anyone's offer to simply walk in with them, because I felt it was my own fault to not have the key. So I just waited for my own opportunity to walk in.
Since then, I've found so many keys, yet I don't know which one is the right one.
I've spent so long waiting for the door to open I feel almost passive about this particular opportunity. I've spent most of my times with the "left behinds" that I'm just nit willing to leave at the moment. But I know that door won't open again for a while. I can't stay.
I know I won't see my friends again--whether on the outside or inside of this door.
The best thing I can do at this point is welcome the new with open arms. It'll be like opening my eyes in the sun all over again. I haven't done that in a while.
I remember it though...it felt so nice. Everything was fine.

I just need to turn this knob and everything will be fine...right?

Somewhere Out There

Yeah.
Yeah, I remember that place. I used to go there all of the time.
I've always considered moving there. It just always seemed to welcoming and warm. Compared to where I live now, it's not too shabby, ya know? I could definitely imagine myself living there for a the remainder of my days.
That is, I did.
Then, I don't know. After awhile you find yourself too caught up at your own home, you just don't have time to travel anymore.
Eventually, I DID try to find an escape, but in doing so I eventually found so many different places I had never even known existed. Some not as glamorous, but some even more entrancing.
There's plenty of time for me to find a place to live out my days, man.
I do remember that place. It was good to me. But I don't think I'll be returning for a while.
I know I will someday, but for now, I just need to see what else the world has out there.

I've never even seen France.