If for a single moment every now and again we are able to see life for the light it brings rather than the light that is taken, everything would be that much easier. It's not asking too much for just that second where everything makes sense. It's not asking too much to wonder if there IS a way up. It's definitely not asking too much to, once in a while, say "Yes I can!"
It's nice to have your eyes opened for once...even if only for a second.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Monday, January 26, 2009
Smile
I don't know why, but I read my daily writing assignment out loud in my creative writing class. The particular prompt I read was particularly laced with my normal amount of sardonic commentating on life--or in this case, cafeteria food--and I figured it would have been met with a certain amount of criticism for being too "mean". (Being a creative writing class, you would expect a better synonym. Oh well...).
But no, it was met with acceptance and a great deal of laughter--that's exactly what I wanted. Even the teacher had tears rolling from her eyes and the T.A. smiling for my words. One of the comments I received was a simple "I thought it was funny" by one of my classmates.
Rarely do I ever give in to the idea that I'm in any sense "funny", but today was a pretty good feeling.
I'm not proud very often, let alone smiling at my own work. It was a nice change.
But no, it was met with acceptance and a great deal of laughter--that's exactly what I wanted. Even the teacher had tears rolling from her eyes and the T.A. smiling for my words. One of the comments I received was a simple "I thought it was funny" by one of my classmates.
Rarely do I ever give in to the idea that I'm in any sense "funny", but today was a pretty good feeling.
I'm not proud very often, let alone smiling at my own work. It was a nice change.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Try
Take a breather.
Once you start crying about the small stuff, the bigger things will take you down in no time, man. Imagine a giant boulder rolling at you at top speed and you've yet to fix the shingles in fear of falling.
Go outside and look around.
Count ten people. Count ten more people. I can bet any amount of money that 21 out of those 20 people have bigger problems then you'll probably ever face. If every little thing confuses the fuck out of you, then what hope do you really have at taking any risks or taking any blows?
None.
So just take it in. Learn to just go with the flow. Learn to understand problems come and go, and more often than not, someone else in the world has been in your shoes before. Stop living with "should haves" and try out "will do's". Just try it.
They really go a long way.
Once you start crying about the small stuff, the bigger things will take you down in no time, man. Imagine a giant boulder rolling at you at top speed and you've yet to fix the shingles in fear of falling.
Go outside and look around.
Count ten people. Count ten more people. I can bet any amount of money that 21 out of those 20 people have bigger problems then you'll probably ever face. If every little thing confuses the fuck out of you, then what hope do you really have at taking any risks or taking any blows?
None.
So just take it in. Learn to just go with the flow. Learn to understand problems come and go, and more often than not, someone else in the world has been in your shoes before. Stop living with "should haves" and try out "will do's". Just try it.
They really go a long way.
Monday, January 12, 2009
Gemini en Deliria
Part I: Phantasma
Together, we had four legs to trudge against this unknown surface. We’ve never felt the stars to close to our being before. We had always known it was there, but we never felt its presence like the days of now. Nobody knows of our existence on Mercury, for we are the ghosts of whom no one believes, and so are the others.
For hours upon hours, we walked. With no starting point or finish line, our destination was blurred. For all we know, we had gone around one thousand times. We always wished we knew where we were going, but neither of us bothered to ask. For us, a destination was superfluous as ghosts. We do not float, so we bury our legs deep into the liquid surface like any human would, should he (or she) partake in a journey across this planet’s face. I can imagine that journey for a normal human:
What would seem to be a simple drift across the cosmos would be the most violent of turbulence or most. Survival unknown as the most advanced technologies cannot protect, as they should. Being an apparition has it’s perks: to wear nothing but a soul as clothing for the shamed, to not worry about faces for we’ve done away with them, to be powered only by the heart that we chose to keep intact within our hollow being. It is our hearts that will help us escape this planet. It is our hearts that will save us, should we keep them. It is all that keeps us visible.
We take only one form, for we need not confuse the other. For whatever reason, it follows me wherever. Some call it flattery. Some days, I wish I could simply trudge on by myself, for my other half is mute and the silence is deafening. I ask God to send me into space so I can breathe again. SO I can breathe like the days before we were joined at the hip. Was it some sin that forced us to be connected? Was it meant to be a reward? As we try to find the bridge off this planet, I find the one that connects us to be far too dilapidated to carry us any further as one entity. I wanted out, and it was when I fell that I had finally found my escape.
Part II: Deliria
I tripped on the only piece of matter hardened enough to cause any harm to anyone. As I fell on my hands and knees, the link was broken. The tie that bounded us snapped off like a stressed out strand of string. It was the most severe pain I had ever felt in either of my lifetimes. I don’t know how my twin took the dismembering fall, but I saw a wince of pain in its eyes as my limbs hit the molten floor. It was a pain I had never fathomed would occur in my being again. You would figure that, once I took this form, al pain would end. Not true. It simply magnifies in the fact that there is no escape from pain through death. When a phantom is lost on an unknown planet, he could die one thousand times and never lose a single life.
Through all the pain, I had failed to realize that I had received my wish. I was my own. I got up and looked at my counterpart, who was holding its sides as if ii had taken a very violent blow to the ribs. We locked eyes for several moments in confusion. We were staring into a mirror that wasn’t supposed to come undone. For several seconds we considered joining once again, but we came to a consensus that the separation was a sign of a new start. We were free to roam the planet and double our efforts to find an escape.
Though it wept, I finally convinced the Gemini that we should part ways to find our much-deserved exit. I was on my way out, and so was it. As I wandered around, I came to the realization that the plan was failing me. I kept thinking about the well-being of my other half as well as my own mortality without it. I kept thinking about how we only had our own minds to keep us company. I thought about how we didn’t have each other to stand up or share thoughts. We were alone…after so long, we were both truly alone.
I don’t know how long I was walking or even where I was. I usually don’t know anyway, but landmarks usually turn up by now. All I saw was the muddy gravel forged form heat fixed in front of the sun, which appeared to be coming ever closer to this wretched planet. I didn’t care though. I just wanted out. I wanted to be free of this damned planet, even if it meant jumping planets and walking once around the sun. I didn’t care about the dangers anymore: I just wanted to escape.
My feet became the ground, as it was harder to walk. Time melted into itself and every second that passed felt as identical as the last. I collapsed.
Part III: Hyena
I don’t know how long I was knocked out. Did it matter? Whether it was seconds, weeks, or even years, I would always wake up exactly where I started and continue on where I was. When I woke up this time, I noticed three shadows without torsos. They floated in my presence, with only a grin on what was left of their facial features and eyes that bore no lids or pupils. The one directly in front of me offered me his hand attached to no arm. When I took it, I stood my ground. They laughed to themselves before ever saying a word. I couldn’t understand it, but I felt I would soon figure it out.
The leader asked me for my name, a question I had absolutely no answer for. I had no identity, especially not after relinquishing my second half. Without my twin, I wasn’t myself. I felt my equilibrium thrown into mush, trampled by searing gravel. The leader felt very aware of my situation.
The ghost that stood before me warned that I wasn’t in any condition to continue the way I have been traveling. It warned that I was a twin in atrophy, a Gemini in delirium, that without my other half I would fall to pieces over and over again. They only wanted to help.
The leader spoke with a hyenas bark with every breath it spilt into my ears. It said that, although I rejected my shadow from my past, the entrails within held me back. “In order to ascend into true nirvana,” it started “You must discard the body”. So I did.
The one to the left of me spoke only in tongues; A sort of Spanish with an indecipherable hum. The one to the right of me didn’t speak any language but laughter. Any other attempts to speak to it were futile. It bled air and silence was its name. Within minutes my torso was like theirs; barren and free of innards. The leader himself helped tear out my eyelids so I could see like them. They dilated my pupils to the point of evaporation. Within one hour, I was one of them.
Part IV: Chimera
We stalked the planet with reckless abandon. We cared not for the other beings that may have inhabited the planet sharing our oxygen. All these ghosts know were laughter and bloodshed. Every being we came across was met with a grizzly hello at the end of their armless claws. They stole the hearts of many and left the bodies to suffer. The very last luxury in any ghosts’ being is raped by these floating spirits. They were the ghost killers, and they chose me to become one of them. Why? I never asked. They found corpses of other worlds and devoured them for their own amusement. The jackals never went hungry.
We came across a wounded phantom sunken inside the lava of the surface of the planet. My new friends pulled it out of its liquid hell and presented it to me. I didn’t know what they wanted me to do, but I knew I would have blood on my hands by the end of this. The leader told me that, to understand what it is to be free of my ghostly restraints, I must feast on the wounded ghost’ heart. “Those who can’t withstand death without a pulse did not deserve the afterlife.” He cried. When he punctuated a period in his breath, everything made sense.
When they found me, my pulse was in the twilight of its existence. It was fading and that’s what attracted them to my being. They found me with no pulse, with lungs stitched shut, and eyes closed with cement. I was like them even before my amputation. That thought marinated in my mind.
I ate the ghost’ heart.
Part V: Navajas
I felt we were invincible. Time no longer mattered as we controlled its very essence with our movement. We continued to feast on ghosts that fell into purgatory and the smiles stayed chiseled on our mouths. In the distance, we saw a figure without a heartbeat trudging slowly across. We deciphered it’s fate. I withdrew my vote so as to see the master at work. The quiet one blinked in approval. The leader nodded its head. The one in tongues screamed “Su latido del corazón manchará nuestros navajas!” and charged the shadow. The others followed, but I stayed behind. There was something about this spirit I refused to harm. I saw them thrash the body with zero empathy. Time hadn’t bothered us for a while, but in this moment, every second slowed down to the pace of the ghost’ diminished heartbeat. I saw every scar open on it’s body. I saw every drop of blood pour out of an orifice. I prayed the spirit be like us and not suffer the consequences of having a heart to feel pain: to die forever without release.
I heard every scream.
Part VI: Stigmata
The bloodletting didn’t stop. It felt like days, at points, even years that this thrashing lasted. But why? Why did I feel sympathy for this ghost?
When they finally finished, almost millennia later, they left the body and wandered away without me. I tried to catch up, but the leader insisted that I inspect the beaten spirit. “Should you choose to devour its heart, you can continue on our pilgrimage of feast” exclaimed the leader. They disappeared into the horizon. I wouldn’t see them ever again.
I stared at the decrepit corpse of the beaten phantom. I saw my body and my lifeless heart within the ghost. It was my other half beaten to a bloody pulp. I stared at its stab wounds as the glued themselves to what was left of my skin. Blood poured from my mouth as I tried to speak to it. We were both destroyed. I had no body to lend and it had a heart too shattered to spare. We couldn’t do this any longer. Any safe bridge off the planet has long since been burned. I had no other choice: I I picked up its body and feasted upon its dead heart. It was in no way nourishing, just as I expected. I didn’t put myself down. Instead, I took it from the planet the only way I could.
We floated upward toward the sun. Everything around us grew lighter and everything was visible. Everything was visible.
Its heart was gone and so was mine. We were once one, but now we are in the red. There was no longer any point to living on forever as ghosts. What very few pleasures fate had offered to us in this form has been squandered as my selfish needs destroyed nirvana. We were one so we could have found a way out. Instead, I ruined it. Everything. It didn’t deserve my fate. Which is why I was so happy it disintegrated in my arms before we reached the giant star. It was free, but I was still here; as it should be.
I felt the heat as the sun embraced my being. The closer I got, the more it became obvious that I wouldn’t find solace in evaporation as my twin did. Instead my penance will be strolling once around the sun. Then, and only then, my heart will be welded together once more.
Together, we had four legs to trudge against this unknown surface. We’ve never felt the stars to close to our being before. We had always known it was there, but we never felt its presence like the days of now. Nobody knows of our existence on Mercury, for we are the ghosts of whom no one believes, and so are the others.
For hours upon hours, we walked. With no starting point or finish line, our destination was blurred. For all we know, we had gone around one thousand times. We always wished we knew where we were going, but neither of us bothered to ask. For us, a destination was superfluous as ghosts. We do not float, so we bury our legs deep into the liquid surface like any human would, should he (or she) partake in a journey across this planet’s face. I can imagine that journey for a normal human:
What would seem to be a simple drift across the cosmos would be the most violent of turbulence or most. Survival unknown as the most advanced technologies cannot protect, as they should. Being an apparition has it’s perks: to wear nothing but a soul as clothing for the shamed, to not worry about faces for we’ve done away with them, to be powered only by the heart that we chose to keep intact within our hollow being. It is our hearts that will help us escape this planet. It is our hearts that will save us, should we keep them. It is all that keeps us visible.
We take only one form, for we need not confuse the other. For whatever reason, it follows me wherever. Some call it flattery. Some days, I wish I could simply trudge on by myself, for my other half is mute and the silence is deafening. I ask God to send me into space so I can breathe again. SO I can breathe like the days before we were joined at the hip. Was it some sin that forced us to be connected? Was it meant to be a reward? As we try to find the bridge off this planet, I find the one that connects us to be far too dilapidated to carry us any further as one entity. I wanted out, and it was when I fell that I had finally found my escape.
Part II: Deliria
I tripped on the only piece of matter hardened enough to cause any harm to anyone. As I fell on my hands and knees, the link was broken. The tie that bounded us snapped off like a stressed out strand of string. It was the most severe pain I had ever felt in either of my lifetimes. I don’t know how my twin took the dismembering fall, but I saw a wince of pain in its eyes as my limbs hit the molten floor. It was a pain I had never fathomed would occur in my being again. You would figure that, once I took this form, al pain would end. Not true. It simply magnifies in the fact that there is no escape from pain through death. When a phantom is lost on an unknown planet, he could die one thousand times and never lose a single life.
Through all the pain, I had failed to realize that I had received my wish. I was my own. I got up and looked at my counterpart, who was holding its sides as if ii had taken a very violent blow to the ribs. We locked eyes for several moments in confusion. We were staring into a mirror that wasn’t supposed to come undone. For several seconds we considered joining once again, but we came to a consensus that the separation was a sign of a new start. We were free to roam the planet and double our efforts to find an escape.
Though it wept, I finally convinced the Gemini that we should part ways to find our much-deserved exit. I was on my way out, and so was it. As I wandered around, I came to the realization that the plan was failing me. I kept thinking about the well-being of my other half as well as my own mortality without it. I kept thinking about how we only had our own minds to keep us company. I thought about how we didn’t have each other to stand up or share thoughts. We were alone…after so long, we were both truly alone.
I don’t know how long I was walking or even where I was. I usually don’t know anyway, but landmarks usually turn up by now. All I saw was the muddy gravel forged form heat fixed in front of the sun, which appeared to be coming ever closer to this wretched planet. I didn’t care though. I just wanted out. I wanted to be free of this damned planet, even if it meant jumping planets and walking once around the sun. I didn’t care about the dangers anymore: I just wanted to escape.
My feet became the ground, as it was harder to walk. Time melted into itself and every second that passed felt as identical as the last. I collapsed.
Part III: Hyena
I don’t know how long I was knocked out. Did it matter? Whether it was seconds, weeks, or even years, I would always wake up exactly where I started and continue on where I was. When I woke up this time, I noticed three shadows without torsos. They floated in my presence, with only a grin on what was left of their facial features and eyes that bore no lids or pupils. The one directly in front of me offered me his hand attached to no arm. When I took it, I stood my ground. They laughed to themselves before ever saying a word. I couldn’t understand it, but I felt I would soon figure it out.
The leader asked me for my name, a question I had absolutely no answer for. I had no identity, especially not after relinquishing my second half. Without my twin, I wasn’t myself. I felt my equilibrium thrown into mush, trampled by searing gravel. The leader felt very aware of my situation.
The ghost that stood before me warned that I wasn’t in any condition to continue the way I have been traveling. It warned that I was a twin in atrophy, a Gemini in delirium, that without my other half I would fall to pieces over and over again. They only wanted to help.
The leader spoke with a hyenas bark with every breath it spilt into my ears. It said that, although I rejected my shadow from my past, the entrails within held me back. “In order to ascend into true nirvana,” it started “You must discard the body”. So I did.
The one to the left of me spoke only in tongues; A sort of Spanish with an indecipherable hum. The one to the right of me didn’t speak any language but laughter. Any other attempts to speak to it were futile. It bled air and silence was its name. Within minutes my torso was like theirs; barren and free of innards. The leader himself helped tear out my eyelids so I could see like them. They dilated my pupils to the point of evaporation. Within one hour, I was one of them.
Part IV: Chimera
We stalked the planet with reckless abandon. We cared not for the other beings that may have inhabited the planet sharing our oxygen. All these ghosts know were laughter and bloodshed. Every being we came across was met with a grizzly hello at the end of their armless claws. They stole the hearts of many and left the bodies to suffer. The very last luxury in any ghosts’ being is raped by these floating spirits. They were the ghost killers, and they chose me to become one of them. Why? I never asked. They found corpses of other worlds and devoured them for their own amusement. The jackals never went hungry.
We came across a wounded phantom sunken inside the lava of the surface of the planet. My new friends pulled it out of its liquid hell and presented it to me. I didn’t know what they wanted me to do, but I knew I would have blood on my hands by the end of this. The leader told me that, to understand what it is to be free of my ghostly restraints, I must feast on the wounded ghost’ heart. “Those who can’t withstand death without a pulse did not deserve the afterlife.” He cried. When he punctuated a period in his breath, everything made sense.
When they found me, my pulse was in the twilight of its existence. It was fading and that’s what attracted them to my being. They found me with no pulse, with lungs stitched shut, and eyes closed with cement. I was like them even before my amputation. That thought marinated in my mind.
I ate the ghost’ heart.
Part V: Navajas
I felt we were invincible. Time no longer mattered as we controlled its very essence with our movement. We continued to feast on ghosts that fell into purgatory and the smiles stayed chiseled on our mouths. In the distance, we saw a figure without a heartbeat trudging slowly across. We deciphered it’s fate. I withdrew my vote so as to see the master at work. The quiet one blinked in approval. The leader nodded its head. The one in tongues screamed “Su latido del corazón manchará nuestros navajas!” and charged the shadow. The others followed, but I stayed behind. There was something about this spirit I refused to harm. I saw them thrash the body with zero empathy. Time hadn’t bothered us for a while, but in this moment, every second slowed down to the pace of the ghost’ diminished heartbeat. I saw every scar open on it’s body. I saw every drop of blood pour out of an orifice. I prayed the spirit be like us and not suffer the consequences of having a heart to feel pain: to die forever without release.
I heard every scream.
Part VI: Stigmata
The bloodletting didn’t stop. It felt like days, at points, even years that this thrashing lasted. But why? Why did I feel sympathy for this ghost?
When they finally finished, almost millennia later, they left the body and wandered away without me. I tried to catch up, but the leader insisted that I inspect the beaten spirit. “Should you choose to devour its heart, you can continue on our pilgrimage of feast” exclaimed the leader. They disappeared into the horizon. I wouldn’t see them ever again.
I stared at the decrepit corpse of the beaten phantom. I saw my body and my lifeless heart within the ghost. It was my other half beaten to a bloody pulp. I stared at its stab wounds as the glued themselves to what was left of my skin. Blood poured from my mouth as I tried to speak to it. We were both destroyed. I had no body to lend and it had a heart too shattered to spare. We couldn’t do this any longer. Any safe bridge off the planet has long since been burned. I had no other choice: I I picked up its body and feasted upon its dead heart. It was in no way nourishing, just as I expected. I didn’t put myself down. Instead, I took it from the planet the only way I could.
We floated upward toward the sun. Everything around us grew lighter and everything was visible. Everything was visible.
Its heart was gone and so was mine. We were once one, but now we are in the red. There was no longer any point to living on forever as ghosts. What very few pleasures fate had offered to us in this form has been squandered as my selfish needs destroyed nirvana. We were one so we could have found a way out. Instead, I ruined it. Everything. It didn’t deserve my fate. Which is why I was so happy it disintegrated in my arms before we reached the giant star. It was free, but I was still here; as it should be.
I felt the heat as the sun embraced my being. The closer I got, the more it became obvious that I wouldn’t find solace in evaporation as my twin did. Instead my penance will be strolling once around the sun. Then, and only then, my heart will be welded together once more.
The End.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Last Letter Lamenting Lost Laughs
Today is the last chance for amends
Others see it as another day, but for me and those around, it's more
Monday calls for change, and we're going to answer it
Opening the doors is the only way out, and we have the keys
Rewriting the past will be easy
Reloading the gun is first on the list
On the last second of the day, the coldest chill will hit my spine
When tomorrow comes, the sun will rise.
When tomorrow comes, I'll open my eyes in paradise if I'm allowed
Others see it as another day, but for me and those around, it's more
Monday calls for change, and we're going to answer it
Opening the doors is the only way out, and we have the keys
Rewriting the past will be easy
Reloading the gun is first on the list
On the last second of the day, the coldest chill will hit my spine
When tomorrow comes, the sun will rise.
When tomorrow comes, I'll open my eyes in paradise if I'm allowed
Someone Carved an Artery In My Brain
She didn't know who I was, but I treated her like a lifelong friend. I picked her up like a baby sister held her hand like a lover.
As the people hovered around us, there was a silence around us.
After a few steps we parted ways without so much as a name being given to either party. She went left and I went right.
I walked further down my path until an old friend surprised me. Before I could remember his name, he pulled a gun and shot me in the face.
I woke up in my bed with no recollection of either parties existence. It wasn't until I met her on the streets did it all come back.
Now I'm just waiting for that last bullet to end my dream.
As the people hovered around us, there was a silence around us.
After a few steps we parted ways without so much as a name being given to either party. She went left and I went right.
I walked further down my path until an old friend surprised me. Before I could remember his name, he pulled a gun and shot me in the face.
I woke up in my bed with no recollection of either parties existence. It wasn't until I met her on the streets did it all come back.
Now I'm just waiting for that last bullet to end my dream.
Flatlined Acupuncture
The needle was dug into the arm a bit too deep. My nostrils flared at an alarming rate as the poison flowed through my blood stream. I don't know why I thought breathing that fast would have saved my life, all it did was bring to light that something wasn't quite right. My mouth was sealed shut, but I felt a liquid seep through my lips. My body shook uncontrollably as I tried to pull the needle out. My arms were numb.
At that moment, all I could think of was wishing for those 2 minutes back. Those two minutes before I pierced my skin. Those two minutes before I decided to burn every bridge to recovery just to satisfy my own desires. I knew of the repercussions.
But I took the plunge.
Now I can't see and there is foam on my chest. My mind has amputated my limbs and there's no way to bandage this scar. My breathes came faster and faster as everything began to darken. With every spark of light that I was actually allowed, I looked around and saw blood. I knew it was mine. If it wasn't blood it was the broken mirrors, courtesy of myself, that were spread across the floor. I destroyed every mirror in the room. In the event I should wake up, I wanted the only shards to be on the floor where they belong. If my eyes should catch any glass, I would be looking in the right direction.
After a while, the shaking stopped and so did my heartbeat. My eyes didn't close, but my sight went completely black. I remember seeing a shadow walking away from me as it happened.
After the shadow closed the door, there was only silence.
The sun came up and my vision came back. I took the needle out and I stumbled toward the window.
Outside there was nothing. There were no breadcrumbs going back to the life before...before all of this. I didn't account for the flying rats that could ruin my path back home.
For now, there is no home for me.
I picked up the needle and put it away. As much as I hate knowing this is fact, I will need it again. Until then, I'm just waiting now.
As I was walking out the door, I saw all the broken pieces of mirror on the floor.
I was disgusted.
At that moment, all I could think of was wishing for those 2 minutes back. Those two minutes before I pierced my skin. Those two minutes before I decided to burn every bridge to recovery just to satisfy my own desires. I knew of the repercussions.
But I took the plunge.
Now I can't see and there is foam on my chest. My mind has amputated my limbs and there's no way to bandage this scar. My breathes came faster and faster as everything began to darken. With every spark of light that I was actually allowed, I looked around and saw blood. I knew it was mine. If it wasn't blood it was the broken mirrors, courtesy of myself, that were spread across the floor. I destroyed every mirror in the room. In the event I should wake up, I wanted the only shards to be on the floor where they belong. If my eyes should catch any glass, I would be looking in the right direction.
After a while, the shaking stopped and so did my heartbeat. My eyes didn't close, but my sight went completely black. I remember seeing a shadow walking away from me as it happened.
After the shadow closed the door, there was only silence.
The sun came up and my vision came back. I took the needle out and I stumbled toward the window.
Outside there was nothing. There were no breadcrumbs going back to the life before...before all of this. I didn't account for the flying rats that could ruin my path back home.
For now, there is no home for me.
I picked up the needle and put it away. As much as I hate knowing this is fact, I will need it again. Until then, I'm just waiting now.
As I was walking out the door, I saw all the broken pieces of mirror on the floor.
I was disgusted.
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Like A Book On Your Shelf
It's amazing how closed I am with everyone. Even my closest friends only know enough about me to fill a brochure sized biography. To say my only problem is that I "miss people" would be a lie. But I feel as though I shouldn't burden others with problems I started and know I can finish. I've tried sharing my personal life with others: not too much, but nothing that wasn't interesting. It just didn't work for me. I could tell someone my darkest secret but refuse to tell that same person what I did that morning. I guess I just grew up thinking my personal affairs aren't for public broadcast.
Ironic.
Here I am writing down every little thought as if any of it it going to be seen. Maybe that's my problem. Then again, maybe I'm just choosy about what I want and don't want people to know about me. Yet people keep asking, and I keep avoiding the questions.
Some would call it unhealthy to keep such information to myself.
It just works for me.
Ironic.
Here I am writing down every little thought as if any of it it going to be seen. Maybe that's my problem. Then again, maybe I'm just choosy about what I want and don't want people to know about me. Yet people keep asking, and I keep avoiding the questions.
Some would call it unhealthy to keep such information to myself.
It just works for me.
These Days, The Sun Slumbers
Do you remember the days when everything was great?
Those days where we had no care in the world and everyone around us didn't exist. We all danced as songs of glee flew in and out of our ears and we sang with every waking moment of the sun. Everyone knew each other and not a single name was unknown.
Some said the days would never end, but we knew they didn't mean their words.
When the sun set, we ran toward it so as to say goodbye. It always disappeared before we reached it, but I know it always saw us waving.
Do you remember how every year, we would lose one kid. They would either move away or somehow find all of our presences tiresome. Maybe they would grow ill and pass, but we would never know. At first, it wasn't bothersome because there were so many of us, so the fun never dissipated. As the years went on, we thinned out. And as the years went on, we all grew apart.
The years went on and the chase for the sun became futile. We got further and further from the sun every evening. Soon enough, there was that day we didn't even run.
Do you remember the days we decided to part way? I must have missed that part. I was too busy noticing the sun never rose back up from behind the mountains. I think, after years of chasing, we finally scared it away. It noticed that everyone is gone. We didn't. Then there was the day you left, leaving me here for my own. I had my eyes closed all day, so I didn't see you walk out of the door. I heard a creak in hinges, but I brushed it off as someone walking in. I finally opened my eyes...and here I am.
Do you remember me?
Those days where we had no care in the world and everyone around us didn't exist. We all danced as songs of glee flew in and out of our ears and we sang with every waking moment of the sun. Everyone knew each other and not a single name was unknown.
Some said the days would never end, but we knew they didn't mean their words.
When the sun set, we ran toward it so as to say goodbye. It always disappeared before we reached it, but I know it always saw us waving.
Do you remember how every year, we would lose one kid. They would either move away or somehow find all of our presences tiresome. Maybe they would grow ill and pass, but we would never know. At first, it wasn't bothersome because there were so many of us, so the fun never dissipated. As the years went on, we thinned out. And as the years went on, we all grew apart.
The years went on and the chase for the sun became futile. We got further and further from the sun every evening. Soon enough, there was that day we didn't even run.
Do you remember the days we decided to part way? I must have missed that part. I was too busy noticing the sun never rose back up from behind the mountains. I think, after years of chasing, we finally scared it away. It noticed that everyone is gone. We didn't. Then there was the day you left, leaving me here for my own. I had my eyes closed all day, so I didn't see you walk out of the door. I heard a creak in hinges, but I brushed it off as someone walking in. I finally opened my eyes...and here I am.
Do you remember me?
Placenta In My Eyes
I've been lazy for awhile. I haven't come to any real conclusions for anything over time. I find writing to be very therapeutic, which is probably why things don't seem right. I haven't payed any attention to anything going wrong around me as of recently to focus on others. I've been trying to fix the problems of those who need it, though I find it more and more frustrating to do. Like talking to a deaf mute, everyone ignores me and refuses to tell me anything useful. I found no point in helping anymore.
After a while, I've lost sight of my own problems. Maybe it's a good thing, then again maybe I should have had some closure with them. But they're the same problems as before. And that's just the thing: Nothing's going on. I've lost touch with all but a handful of friends. Stories go unwritten, movies go unfilmed, and songs go unrecorded. Things I would do with others go undone. I used to have an arsenal of people on hand to help me through any endevor. Now I can count them on one hand. Without anyone around, nothing is exciting anymore. I'm bored and I can't change that.
It's saddening to know that old flames refuse to ignite and new wicks don't burn so easily.
I'm in desperate need for a change. I need it.
Walking up on a down escalator gets tiresome after a while. Things are nice now, but they can get better. It took me awhile to learn this, and I hope to teach this to others.
There can be easier solutions than the ones I've been choosing, but I refuse hand me downs. My pilgrimage is my own. I don't want anyone telling me which direction to go. I want a new path to walk on. By taking in anyone's words, I know I'll walk with feet I've seen too many times before. I feel a strange, simoultaneous sense of vindication and defeat. But I'm willing to start anew without any regrets. I want to paint a painting without numbers and without someone else's work already began. I want a brand new canvas to paint on. I want to create a master piece of my own without anyone telling me what colors to use.
I want it to be perfect.
After a while, I've lost sight of my own problems. Maybe it's a good thing, then again maybe I should have had some closure with them. But they're the same problems as before. And that's just the thing: Nothing's going on. I've lost touch with all but a handful of friends. Stories go unwritten, movies go unfilmed, and songs go unrecorded. Things I would do with others go undone. I used to have an arsenal of people on hand to help me through any endevor. Now I can count them on one hand. Without anyone around, nothing is exciting anymore. I'm bored and I can't change that.
It's saddening to know that old flames refuse to ignite and new wicks don't burn so easily.
I'm in desperate need for a change. I need it.
Walking up on a down escalator gets tiresome after a while. Things are nice now, but they can get better. It took me awhile to learn this, and I hope to teach this to others.
There can be easier solutions than the ones I've been choosing, but I refuse hand me downs. My pilgrimage is my own. I don't want anyone telling me which direction to go. I want a new path to walk on. By taking in anyone's words, I know I'll walk with feet I've seen too many times before. I feel a strange, simoultaneous sense of vindication and defeat. But I'm willing to start anew without any regrets. I want to paint a painting without numbers and without someone else's work already began. I want a brand new canvas to paint on. I want to create a master piece of my own without anyone telling me what colors to use.
I want it to be perfect.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
And Now...
For a long time now, I haven't written anything. I don't know why. It's not like I haven't had anything to say, I just haven't had it in me to put it on paper. Or in this case, virtual paper. Whether or not everything I missed writing was worth the trouble of putting here is beyond me. It's too subjective of a concept. I just missed it. Having a false sense of worth goes a long way, really.
Since I last wrote something, things have happened. But since when have I ever been straight forward about anything I do, right? Whether or not anyone reads these is beyond my concern. For now, this is for me.
I'm not going to start form the beginning, and I'm not going to start at the end...but here I go again.
Since I last wrote something, things have happened. But since when have I ever been straight forward about anything I do, right? Whether or not anyone reads these is beyond my concern. For now, this is for me.
I'm not going to start form the beginning, and I'm not going to start at the end...but here I go again.
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