Duality

I've come to the point where I can't enjoy being happy. Where all I can do is lament. It just seems as though for every great day I have something else in my life will eventually crap out. If I have a great Monday, I'll have a shitty Tuesday. If I go to the greatest concert in my life with friend A, i'll get into a fight with friend B the next day and stop talking to friend C the day after that. If I get an "A" in this class, God forbid, my fucking house will burn down the very next hour. I can't enjoy happiness because misfortune seems to follow too closely. I'm not going to name specific events just yet, but so far this week (especially when juxtaposed with Sunday) hasn't been exactly the greatest. Maybe physical but mostly psychological. Right now I'm just pointing out that I can't enjoy things anymore. People usually tell me that "Everyone has their bad days" but I manage to fill the average persons yearly "bad-day" quota within the course of a week. I can't win anymore. Which is why I'm trying to find some sort of solace in disappointment. It's always when something horrible happens when a mircale of some caliber occurs moments later.
If you must know:
Within the last week, shortly after the concert, I remembered things that have always haunted me. I realised that there are things I've yet to do and demons I've yet to exorcise. Some thigs Ive thought about and tried this week that im not proud of (no, not drugs or suicide!) and people I feel I may have betrayed over the past few weeks and months or have accidently disconnected myself with for no apparent reason. Once again, I'll shall leave the details unknown, but this should sum up a few things. Not everything...but a few things.

I'm afraid to be happy. I'm so afraid that I yearn, no, I pray for misfortune just so that I'll know that the next day will have the slightest chance of having the sun shine on my porch. But it just seems that I can't have two things work out for me at the same time.

At least then, knowing when I'm down, theres only one way to go...up.