Collapse

I'm a huge advocate of music. Sometimes, the only way for me to remember something, is to associate it with a song I might have had stuck in my head at the time. For example, whenever I think of the last days of 10th grade, I think of "Rhinoceros" by the Smashing Pumpkins. Around that time I had just recently purchased "Gish". When I remember summer school I think of "Bury Me" by the same band. When I think of my 16th birthday, the entire "City of Evil" album by Avenged Sevenfold comes to mind. These are all good memories mind you.
Then there are the bad ones. There are what I like to call, "The Big Three": these are three songs I listen to that always bring back horrible memories for me. I won't mention any specific memories, but just to quench some thirsts, one involves failure, one involves depression, and the other involves "what-if's". I HATE what-if's. The songs are "Delerium Trigger", "Exit Music for a Film", and "Collapse". And this is the song that made me write this.
A few weeks ago I was listening to Sparta and this song came on. I managed to move on with what the song had actually meant to me, but for some reason that day I just sat there and tried to channel everything from the time I listened to it. I brought back every sickening emotion I could when I was listening to it. I brought back every heartbreaking moment from the time I first listened to it. I brought back everything at the time I wanted to relinquish from my life forever. Yet I kept listening. I listened to it and listened to it. I just kept listening to it full well what the consequences brought. I wanted to remember the bad times for some reason.
If I were to guess, it just took me back to the times where I had almost everything to gain. It's amazing how much torture some of us put ourselves through in order to find some sort of happiness.
Why is it that I only find solace in misery?
Is it to relive days where I had nothing to lose? To remind myself how bad I had things back in the day and how great I have it now? If I can even call it great anymore.
Or am I just a Masochist: Just aching for pain at the mere moment of relief. When things are good I need to twist the knife I had once taken out in order to enjoy ife. I can't just be plain happy anymore. I love torturing myself and I don't know why. For some reason it makes me happy to know I was once miserable.

Whatever it is...I was just listening to the song again, and I'm pressing repeat.